Conspiracy theories are raging around Melbourne about the questionable antics of a local gardener tending to a strip of mown grass.
Those of the 'Lee Harvey-Oswald didn't act alone persuasion' would have you believe that dark forces within Cricket Australia are surreptitiously doctoring pitch preparation at the Melbourne Cricket Ground to offer its bowlers any advantage it can get in the crucial Boxing Day Test against England.
In the last 24 hours, there have been numerous reported sightings at salubrious road-houses along the Nullabor that a strip of grass, measuring approximately 22 yards and strapped to the back of a flat bed truck, is on the move east from Perth to Melbourne. One 'eye witness', Shane 'the sheep shagger' Wilson, 49 and father of fifteen, told journalists that "I seen a bloke watering and rolling the back of his bloody truck the other noyt out back o' the pub come post office/ diy store/ chemist/ school/ doctors", a building in the small settlement of Mundrabilla. In Madura, further west, other so-called witnesses of varying character have described the strip of grass as having all the hallmarks of a wicket. It apparently has a green tinge, white painted tram lines at either end and was in almost pristine condition except for a few 'bowlers footmarks' according to the sightings. "Looks like it was used just for bowling practice" said one unconcerned local, Bill O'Keefe. When pressed further, O'Keefe said "Look 'ere mate, I can tell yous all it was grass 'cos we haven't seen any round 'ere since 1972 so it's bleedin obvious". He wryly added " I tried to even get a bit for me back yard cricket this Chrissy but the driver, Tim, nicked orf too quick for me".
Ebay also reports that one of the big ticket items it has just auctioned this week was a piece of turf. The listing read "Wanted - home for a much loved and tendered piece of turf approximately 22 yards long, 10 feet wide. Comes with all accessories, including white lines, wiring holes, six wooden pegs and four bails. Suit pace quartet. Warning - does not come with unique Freemantle Doctor to aid bizarre swing bowling. Successful bidder to collect". The winning bid was by English-born Mr Nielsen of South Australia. His previous history indicates he has purchased items such as a whiteboard, clipboard and John Buchanan's cricket coaching manual. His buyer rating though is one star (five being the highest). The whereabouts of Mr Nielsen and the Ebay item are currently unknown.
As the Australian team congregated at its Melbourne hotel last night vice-captain Michael Clarke, speaking in the unexplained absence of the Australian coach, said that "the bowlers were feeling good and just wish they could have rolled up the Perth wicket and brought it with them". Clarke was later seen cuddled up close to Peter Siddle as the pair whispered and cackled with laughter.
Cameron Hodgkins, the MCG curator, denied that there was anything suspicious about the rectangular shaped hole at the centre of the MCG. "It is normal practice to hide the wicket for safe keeping", Hodgkins fired off at a press conference from a grassy knoll outside the ground.
Despite the media fuelled conspiracy theory, a press release overnight from Lords, London, by the guardians of cricket, the MCC, confirms that the rules of the game will not be changed, despite a request by Cricket Australia. It states that both sides are still required to bat and the traditional protocol for them to do so on the same pitch is unaltered. This will be disconcerting news to Australia's batting that will now be expected to reprise its one-man batting show on the same questionable pitch as England. This would appear to be a major flaw in any ill-considered CA conspiracy. A wicket that further appeals to both sets of bowlers would not be the stocking filler Australian captain Ricky Ponting was hoping for to lift him out of his batting slump, given England's strong showing with the ball so far in Australian conditions. A coin toss may decide the outcome of the Test.
Another aspect occupying plenty of column inches over the last few days is the Australian art of 'sledging', the tactic of asking obscene questions of the batsmen about the well being of his wife or kids or the marital status of his parents at the time of his birth. England batsman Kevin Pietersen yesterday misunderstood the question and deemed sledging to be fine. "There is nothing wrong with it at all", he said "it is probably the easiest way to get around the UK at the moment judging by the weather reports we have been getting".
Boxing Day is looming with 90,000 expected to pack out the MCG for the Fourth Vodafone Test.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Third Ashes Test @ WACA: Back to the future as England hammered
The commonly held perception that life in Perth, the wild west outpost, meanders along fifteen years behind the eastern states was true in more ways than one for a disjointed England side savaged by Australia today. England gave up the Third Ashes Test at the WACA by the handsome margin of 267 runs.
When England stepped onto its time machine at Melbourne airport for the four hour flight back in time to the most remote city on the planet, it will feel tonight as though the pilot entered 1991 in the 'flux capacitor' of the DeLorean. The only thing missing was Marty McFly and the hairbrained Doc Brown.
Just as Australia's bowling collectively came good for the first time in this series, England's batting drew comparison with the woeful days of the 1990's when it traditionally treated a tour Downunder as one big barbecue spread over five states. In those days, a game of cricket was always seen to be an unwelcome distraction that dragged the tourists kicking and screaming off the beach or from a tawdry backpacker bar. The thought of three hundred runs in a game for the English was normally an aggregate of the runs conceded off Phil Tufnell's ganja fuelled bowling. Equally, rain was never a saviour and only came in the form of Merv Hughes spitting all over meek English batsmen with his obscure brand of incomprehensible sledging (the words were too muffled through his over-sized moustache).
Such was England's disorientation during the Fourth Test that its batting coach, former opening batsman Graham Gooch, probably thought he was due to open the innings for his country with Wayne Larkins rather than remind his lacklustre charges how to bat for more than three minutes apiece. At one point this morning, Ian Bell and Matt Prior appeared to be in a contest to see who could get off the field and showered the quickest. Bell, with his pretty boy preening and pampering routine, was always onto a loser there. Kevin Pietersen, meanwhile, didn't appear to be out in the middle long enough to warrant a shower during the entire match.
Both batting line-ups proved to be more adept at sinking without trace than a ship in the Bermuda triangle, but it was the 'distracted' English team that had the biggest hole in its batting to worry about. Twice it capitulated faster than it takes Shane Warne to hand out his phone number at a nursing college party. Warne himself seemed unaffected by his dash to London last week to attend to his primitive man urges and was full of energy in the commentary box as he fended off jibes from his chuckling co-commentators. "Dunno what excuse they have got" Warne chirped when talking about the leaden footed English side, "I love it when the English women come". Warne then had to hastily qualify his statement "To town I meant. To town".
Despite the size of the win, it was not all was rosy for Australia in this Test. Two further below par batting performances were rescued on each occasion by Mike Hussey as he continues to paper over the massive cracks that have surfaced top to bottom in its order. Phil Hughes is nothing but a gift wrapped wicket, Ricky Ponting and Michael Clarke are doing their best to imitate village green cricketers, Steve Smith is uncertain as to why he is even in the side other than to crack the funnies and the lower order rolls over easier than a politician in a brothel.
It is far too early and difficult to judge Mitchell Johnson's performance at the WACA. Every woeful Vegas blackjack roller, after all, gets lucky every now and again, something Warne himself has recently found out on the dating front. It is probably inconceivable that Johnson's spiral down the world rankings for two years was part of a cunning plan of Cricket Australia to lull England into a false sense of comfort by the middle of an important test series. That would be a plan of the craziest Baldrick-esque genius and would suggest too much credit to the Australian selectors where it isn't due.
And so what impact the English WAGs who arrived with their expensive handbags, over sized goggle sunglasses and vacuous comments this week? The WAG only appears to have one purpose on any cricket tour and that is to holiday, socialise and get their latest skinny body into the pages of a low-brow gossip magazine that celebrates their inane life with who-cares discussion about their diet regime. They then also demand their highly paid cricket playing partner to devote time to non-cricket activities. It would be unimaginable to believe that a commander in chief of the armed forces in Iraq, trigger finger poised over the nuke button, would have his wife asking over his shoulder if a camel ride in the desert was a good idea or what local restaurant they should indulge at next. Now, if these brave people seem capable of managing more than two months apart from their families in life threatening circumstances, it shouldn't be beyond the realms of possibility that a cricketer could do likewise to focus on what he is paid to be doing.
Both sides now bumble on to the fourth test at the Melbourne Cricket Ground with no real idea if the old adage of form is temporary and class is permanent applies to either of them. Momentum is a word often used in cricket and while Australia may claim it is with them, it need only look at the quality of England's ABS as it arrived at the WACA to know that it is another broken finger away from disaster. Wrap that Hussey up in cotton wool.
The series is now level at 1-1, with two tests left to play.
When England stepped onto its time machine at Melbourne airport for the four hour flight back in time to the most remote city on the planet, it will feel tonight as though the pilot entered 1991 in the 'flux capacitor' of the DeLorean. The only thing missing was Marty McFly and the hairbrained Doc Brown.
Just as Australia's bowling collectively came good for the first time in this series, England's batting drew comparison with the woeful days of the 1990's when it traditionally treated a tour Downunder as one big barbecue spread over five states. In those days, a game of cricket was always seen to be an unwelcome distraction that dragged the tourists kicking and screaming off the beach or from a tawdry backpacker bar. The thought of three hundred runs in a game for the English was normally an aggregate of the runs conceded off Phil Tufnell's ganja fuelled bowling. Equally, rain was never a saviour and only came in the form of Merv Hughes spitting all over meek English batsmen with his obscure brand of incomprehensible sledging (the words were too muffled through his over-sized moustache).
Such was England's disorientation during the Fourth Test that its batting coach, former opening batsman Graham Gooch, probably thought he was due to open the innings for his country with Wayne Larkins rather than remind his lacklustre charges how to bat for more than three minutes apiece. At one point this morning, Ian Bell and Matt Prior appeared to be in a contest to see who could get off the field and showered the quickest. Bell, with his pretty boy preening and pampering routine, was always onto a loser there. Kevin Pietersen, meanwhile, didn't appear to be out in the middle long enough to warrant a shower during the entire match.
Both batting line-ups proved to be more adept at sinking without trace than a ship in the Bermuda triangle, but it was the 'distracted' English team that had the biggest hole in its batting to worry about. Twice it capitulated faster than it takes Shane Warne to hand out his phone number at a nursing college party. Warne himself seemed unaffected by his dash to London last week to attend to his primitive man urges and was full of energy in the commentary box as he fended off jibes from his chuckling co-commentators. "Dunno what excuse they have got" Warne chirped when talking about the leaden footed English side, "I love it when the English women come". Warne then had to hastily qualify his statement "To town I meant. To town".
Despite the size of the win, it was not all was rosy for Australia in this Test. Two further below par batting performances were rescued on each occasion by Mike Hussey as he continues to paper over the massive cracks that have surfaced top to bottom in its order. Phil Hughes is nothing but a gift wrapped wicket, Ricky Ponting and Michael Clarke are doing their best to imitate village green cricketers, Steve Smith is uncertain as to why he is even in the side other than to crack the funnies and the lower order rolls over easier than a politician in a brothel.
It is far too early and difficult to judge Mitchell Johnson's performance at the WACA. Every woeful Vegas blackjack roller, after all, gets lucky every now and again, something Warne himself has recently found out on the dating front. It is probably inconceivable that Johnson's spiral down the world rankings for two years was part of a cunning plan of Cricket Australia to lull England into a false sense of comfort by the middle of an important test series. That would be a plan of the craziest Baldrick-esque genius and would suggest too much credit to the Australian selectors where it isn't due.
And so what impact the English WAGs who arrived with their expensive handbags, over sized goggle sunglasses and vacuous comments this week? The WAG only appears to have one purpose on any cricket tour and that is to holiday, socialise and get their latest skinny body into the pages of a low-brow gossip magazine that celebrates their inane life with who-cares discussion about their diet regime. They then also demand their highly paid cricket playing partner to devote time to non-cricket activities. It would be unimaginable to believe that a commander in chief of the armed forces in Iraq, trigger finger poised over the nuke button, would have his wife asking over his shoulder if a camel ride in the desert was a good idea or what local restaurant they should indulge at next. Now, if these brave people seem capable of managing more than two months apart from their families in life threatening circumstances, it shouldn't be beyond the realms of possibility that a cricketer could do likewise to focus on what he is paid to be doing.
Both sides now bumble on to the fourth test at the Melbourne Cricket Ground with no real idea if the old adage of form is temporary and class is permanent applies to either of them. Momentum is a word often used in cricket and while Australia may claim it is with them, it need only look at the quality of England's ABS as it arrived at the WACA to know that it is another broken finger away from disaster. Wrap that Hussey up in cotton wool.
The series is now level at 1-1, with two tests left to play.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Comedy and a Beer
First came Warnie: The musical, now Cricket Australia has come up with The Ashes 2010: The comedy. Using a cast of thousands and a script randomly made up on the run, it is best described as a tragi-comedy with the feel of a car crash waiting to happen. Crucially, the biggest criticism of this comedy is the apparant lack of any plot, allegedly because CA lost the envelope it was hastily scribbled on. Despite losing the plot, this show appears to be hilarious viewing with endless new characters to engage the audience and critics alike each week.
Auditions for several key roles have been taking place for a couple of years. The character of The Spinner has proved particularly difficult for those casting the eleven main positions. Ten pretenders so far have been vying for The Spinner, which is loosely based on a now mythical legend called Shane, a fat blond cricketer who once played for Australia an eon ago. The various spluttering actors in the role thus far have all proved unpalatable to audiences that are not associating with the legend. This has resulted in CA chiefs axing each of the untalented actors, usually by SMS, as befitting of Shane. Each actor is offered a 'Baggy Green', a puffy train driver style cap of the early 1900's, as a souvenir of their brief stint in the show. Some, like the tormented Nathan Hauritz, have tried to pawn the gift for groceries on the loose assumption that within three months they will get another shot in the comedy. Sponsor of the show, Vodafone, is also offering a free Baggy Green to anyone prepared to act temporarily in the show this week, which is playing at the WACA. No particular talent is required and the promotional material does suggest participants should not quit any regular employment.
CA has developed some unusual characters for the comedy, including the village idiot, played by Mitchell Johnson, a shy character who has a weird habit of defacing his arms with a black marker who also hurls stuff randomly at people, including comdey abuse attributed to tourettes. This appears to be a highlight of the show, with Johnson's spasmodic character regularly receiving howls of laughter and derision for his buffooning performances that vary wildly from day to day. The character of The Batsmen, currently played by some travelling Englishmen, is far safer than the audience when Johnson is centre stage.
One of the latest additions to the cast is The Midget, a role that is believed to take its inspiration from Mini-Me, the spoof villainous character in the Austin Powers trilogy. The Midget, played by Phil Hughes, is strapped to The Gym Buff (Shane Watson) who labours around the stage awkwardly stroking his hyper slick hair as The Midget slashes wildly with a bat at anything close to him. Captain Grumpy, played by veteran actor Ricky Ponting, is the central figure and a character who regularly shows comedic disgust with his counterparts, including a rib-tickling 'teapot' routine as he stares cross-eyed all while furiously chewing his tongue. Ponting has based his character on the silent movies of the 1920s, when actors couldn't speak to communicate on stage.
Unheard of actor Michael Beer has also been hastily added to the lengthy cast list this week, albeit it is uncertain why or what role he could possibly play. Ponting admitted that CA has probably only brought him on board because of the endless headline writing possibilities it could create during the competitive pantomime season. So far, this appears to be bearing fruit, with tag lines such as "All the Beer..no idea" or "Cheers England...here's The Ashes on us".
Catch the show this week from Thursday to Monday at the WACA in Perth, although spectators are urged to get to the first three days as there is some uncertainty surrounding the Sunday and Monday performances. Special red-carpet guests attending include posh English actress Liz Hurley, invited courtesy of social media website Twitter.
Auditions for several key roles have been taking place for a couple of years. The character of The Spinner has proved particularly difficult for those casting the eleven main positions. Ten pretenders so far have been vying for The Spinner, which is loosely based on a now mythical legend called Shane, a fat blond cricketer who once played for Australia an eon ago. The various spluttering actors in the role thus far have all proved unpalatable to audiences that are not associating with the legend. This has resulted in CA chiefs axing each of the untalented actors, usually by SMS, as befitting of Shane. Each actor is offered a 'Baggy Green', a puffy train driver style cap of the early 1900's, as a souvenir of their brief stint in the show. Some, like the tormented Nathan Hauritz, have tried to pawn the gift for groceries on the loose assumption that within three months they will get another shot in the comedy. Sponsor of the show, Vodafone, is also offering a free Baggy Green to anyone prepared to act temporarily in the show this week, which is playing at the WACA. No particular talent is required and the promotional material does suggest participants should not quit any regular employment.
CA has developed some unusual characters for the comedy, including the village idiot, played by Mitchell Johnson, a shy character who has a weird habit of defacing his arms with a black marker who also hurls stuff randomly at people, including comdey abuse attributed to tourettes. This appears to be a highlight of the show, with Johnson's spasmodic character regularly receiving howls of laughter and derision for his buffooning performances that vary wildly from day to day. The character of The Batsmen, currently played by some travelling Englishmen, is far safer than the audience when Johnson is centre stage.
One of the latest additions to the cast is The Midget, a role that is believed to take its inspiration from Mini-Me, the spoof villainous character in the Austin Powers trilogy. The Midget, played by Phil Hughes, is strapped to The Gym Buff (Shane Watson) who labours around the stage awkwardly stroking his hyper slick hair as The Midget slashes wildly with a bat at anything close to him. Captain Grumpy, played by veteran actor Ricky Ponting, is the central figure and a character who regularly shows comedic disgust with his counterparts, including a rib-tickling 'teapot' routine as he stares cross-eyed all while furiously chewing his tongue. Ponting has based his character on the silent movies of the 1920s, when actors couldn't speak to communicate on stage.
Unheard of actor Michael Beer has also been hastily added to the lengthy cast list this week, albeit it is uncertain why or what role he could possibly play. Ponting admitted that CA has probably only brought him on board because of the endless headline writing possibilities it could create during the competitive pantomime season. So far, this appears to be bearing fruit, with tag lines such as "All the Beer..no idea" or "Cheers England...here's The Ashes on us".
Catch the show this week from Thursday to Monday at the WACA in Perth, although spectators are urged to get to the first three days as there is some uncertainty surrounding the Sunday and Monday performances. Special red-carpet guests attending include posh English actress Liz Hurley, invited courtesy of social media website Twitter.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Second Ashes Test @ Adelaide Oval: It's England by a country mile
Quite frankly, England handed out a good old boarding school, pants down, thrashing to the old enemy Australia in the Second Vodafone Test at the Adelaide Oval last Tuesday.
England steamrolled its way to victory by a margin of an innings and 71 runs, its first win over Australia by an innings since the Boxing Day test of 1986. Shane Warne described it on air as similar to the pounding he received from his (then) wife, Simone, every time his errant texting fingers used to get him into trouble with English nurses. After thinking about it further, Warne changed his mind and compared it to the hiding Tiger Woods received at the fearsome hands of his former wife when he confessed to her about the occasional extra-marital affair.
Australia's batting collapse on the final morning was nothing short of dramatic, losing its last six wickets for 66 runs in twenty overs in something of a hurry. Graeme Swann was the chief destroyer bagging five wickets. Sullen captain Ricky Ponting denied a lack of confidence in his batters to survive despite only putting an hours worth of change in the parking meter when he parked up the team bus outside the ground on the last morning. Ponting didn't even get out of the bus, keeping the engine running as, one by one, his batsmen returned to the bus after a brief stroll out to the wicket and back to say hello to the England bowlers.
Entering the fifth and final day with the predicted rain and storms its only possible saviour, all hope was lost, mentally, for the Australian team the moment the remaining batsmen peeled back the hotel room curtains to the sorry sight of sunshine and blue skies bathing the City of Churches. Chief Sitting Bull Dakota , Australia's most recent addition to its backroom staff, expressed dismay at his costly failure to conjure up a storm of biblical proportions that could have dashed England's bid to take a deserved lead in the series. Simon Katich is outraged at the Chief's rain dance routine because it caused him a serious tear of his Achilles tendon that will now keep him out of the remainder of the series. The bizarre rain dance ritual, involving all of the players, was performed before and after play each day in the changing rooms and saw captain Ricky Ponting riding a naked Shane Watson on all fours as he (Watson) pretended to be a bear (seen as sacred to native North Americans) while slapping him with some limp celery and all as the other players danced in a circle around the uncomfortable duo. Katich is believed to have slipped on a huge blob of Watson's hair wax and torn the affected tendon as he barrelled backwards down a set of stairs into the buffet cart.
Ponting admitted to the hungry media pack outside the mini-bus that 'England out-bowled, out-batted and out-fielded us' as he insightfully described the defeat "No shit" said a jubilant Ian Botham as he waited over the road for a taxi, all while holding long-time adversary Ian Chappell in a headlock.
So what now for Australia? It appears to many that the Australian team has chosen to go retro and impersonate the wretched England cricket teams of the 1990s, believing that one batter, a wicket keeper and a tattered copy of the local Lonely Planet guide is sufficient for an Ashes tour. England used to also believe that spin was something politicians did, not their bowlers and a coach was for getting to the ground in. There are now more jobs going in the Australian team than there are at the start of the holiday season at Disney Land, albeit the role of Mickey Mouse was eagerly snaffled by Mitchell Johnson some time ago. Doug Bollinger appears to have put his hand up for Goofy. Swann cheekily tweeted yesterday that "In case Australia is interested, South Africa usually has a supply of handy cricketers going spare".
Cricket Australia selectors may be careering from one absurd decision to another, but at least its wizard marketing gurus appear to have got something right. Randomly, it has unwittingly predicted the feats achieved in this test series with unerring accuracy so far with its unfortunate slogan 'History will be made' on promotional material. In the Adelaide test alone, history making involved the first 'Diamond Duck' for Ryan Harris, Australia making the worst batting start to a test since the late 1930's, England batsman Alistair Cook scoring the most runs for the most minutes occupying the crease without being dismissed. England also achieved the feat of passing 500 in successive Ashes innings in Australia for the first time, while it was the first time England has defeated Australia by an innings in 24 years. This all came on top of the run scoring records achieved by Andrew Strauss, Jonathan Trott and Cook up at the Gabba.
England head to Perth looking for a win that would retain the Ashes. If they do, Swann has suggested England will pick a team from the Barmy Army to play the final two tests.
England steamrolled its way to victory by a margin of an innings and 71 runs, its first win over Australia by an innings since the Boxing Day test of 1986. Shane Warne described it on air as similar to the pounding he received from his (then) wife, Simone, every time his errant texting fingers used to get him into trouble with English nurses. After thinking about it further, Warne changed his mind and compared it to the hiding Tiger Woods received at the fearsome hands of his former wife when he confessed to her about the occasional extra-marital affair.
Australia's batting collapse on the final morning was nothing short of dramatic, losing its last six wickets for 66 runs in twenty overs in something of a hurry. Graeme Swann was the chief destroyer bagging five wickets. Sullen captain Ricky Ponting denied a lack of confidence in his batters to survive despite only putting an hours worth of change in the parking meter when he parked up the team bus outside the ground on the last morning. Ponting didn't even get out of the bus, keeping the engine running as, one by one, his batsmen returned to the bus after a brief stroll out to the wicket and back to say hello to the England bowlers.
Entering the fifth and final day with the predicted rain and storms its only possible saviour, all hope was lost, mentally, for the Australian team the moment the remaining batsmen peeled back the hotel room curtains to the sorry sight of sunshine and blue skies bathing the City of Churches. Chief Sitting Bull Dakota , Australia's most recent addition to its backroom staff, expressed dismay at his costly failure to conjure up a storm of biblical proportions that could have dashed England's bid to take a deserved lead in the series. Simon Katich is outraged at the Chief's rain dance routine because it caused him a serious tear of his Achilles tendon that will now keep him out of the remainder of the series. The bizarre rain dance ritual, involving all of the players, was performed before and after play each day in the changing rooms and saw captain Ricky Ponting riding a naked Shane Watson on all fours as he (Watson) pretended to be a bear (seen as sacred to native North Americans) while slapping him with some limp celery and all as the other players danced in a circle around the uncomfortable duo. Katich is believed to have slipped on a huge blob of Watson's hair wax and torn the affected tendon as he barrelled backwards down a set of stairs into the buffet cart.
Ponting admitted to the hungry media pack outside the mini-bus that 'England out-bowled, out-batted and out-fielded us' as he insightfully described the defeat "No shit" said a jubilant Ian Botham as he waited over the road for a taxi, all while holding long-time adversary Ian Chappell in a headlock.
So what now for Australia? It appears to many that the Australian team has chosen to go retro and impersonate the wretched England cricket teams of the 1990s, believing that one batter, a wicket keeper and a tattered copy of the local Lonely Planet guide is sufficient for an Ashes tour. England used to also believe that spin was something politicians did, not their bowlers and a coach was for getting to the ground in. There are now more jobs going in the Australian team than there are at the start of the holiday season at Disney Land, albeit the role of Mickey Mouse was eagerly snaffled by Mitchell Johnson some time ago. Doug Bollinger appears to have put his hand up for Goofy. Swann cheekily tweeted yesterday that "In case Australia is interested, South Africa usually has a supply of handy cricketers going spare".
Cricket Australia selectors may be careering from one absurd decision to another, but at least its wizard marketing gurus appear to have got something right. Randomly, it has unwittingly predicted the feats achieved in this test series with unerring accuracy so far with its unfortunate slogan 'History will be made' on promotional material. In the Adelaide test alone, history making involved the first 'Diamond Duck' for Ryan Harris, Australia making the worst batting start to a test since the late 1930's, England batsman Alistair Cook scoring the most runs for the most minutes occupying the crease without being dismissed. England also achieved the feat of passing 500 in successive Ashes innings in Australia for the first time, while it was the first time England has defeated Australia by an innings in 24 years. This all came on top of the run scoring records achieved by Andrew Strauss, Jonathan Trott and Cook up at the Gabba.
England head to Perth looking for a win that would retain the Ashes. If they do, Swann has suggested England will pick a team from the Barmy Army to play the final two tests.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
The tap on the shoulder Mitch?
In breaking news this morning in the Australian media, it appears that Australian cricket selectors have finally lost patience with wayward slingman Mitchell Johnson and dropped him for the second test in Adelaide that starts on Friday.
It is understood that Johnson was axed not because of his inability to bowl anywhere near the wooden pegs but because of his penchant to retain his dirty moustache, despite the end of the 'Movember' charity month. Rumours circulating in cricket circles suggest that Andrew Hilditch just couldn't take Johnson seriously with his rather smutty paedophile look and felt it wasn't appropriate for the media conscious squad, particularly with their new 'Men of Cricket' calendar due out at Christmas. Johnson is understood to revere former Australian fast bowler Merv Hughes, who sported one of the most famous moustaches in cricket alongside David 'the keg on legs' Boon. Hughes recently stood up for Johnson in the press, suggesting it would be unfair to drop Johnson despite his abysmal performance at the Gabba.
Crestfallen Johnson further compounded his own misery when bemused team mates discovered his apparent support for a small western European nation emblazoned across his back. When Johnson removed his shirt at training yesterday, a new tattoo saying 'Go Austria' could be seen across his shoulders. Local tattooists have denied that they preyed on Johnson's inability to look over his shoulder and have blamed Doug 'the rug' Bollinger for the prank. Bollinger, the likely beneficiary of Johnson's axing, countered by saying "All I told the tattooist was that Mitchy wanted 'Go 'Straya' on his back. It wasn't my fault he was of Russian origin and misunderstood me".
Kevin Pietersen, Johnson's arch rival in the England side, smirked when told of the tattoo mishap and simply added "It could happen to anyone...but Austria is a lovely place for a holiday and I am sure their tourism industry will appreciate the advertising space. He's probably got some spare time to check it out for himself".
In a further hint that Johnson is likely to be axed, the extra wide practice net constructed to accommodate his bowling was removed over night by Adelaide ground staff. It took up the space of four normal nets and contained a plethora of stumps randomly placed across the back of the net.
Australia is due to officially announce its starting XI today, with Ryan Harris the other quick bowler pushing for a spot. Harris has only got one good knee but was able to identify the off stump in a multiple choice picture contest yesterday, which gave selectors some heart. Johnson picked out a picture of a salami.
It is understood that Johnson was axed not because of his inability to bowl anywhere near the wooden pegs but because of his penchant to retain his dirty moustache, despite the end of the 'Movember' charity month. Rumours circulating in cricket circles suggest that Andrew Hilditch just couldn't take Johnson seriously with his rather smutty paedophile look and felt it wasn't appropriate for the media conscious squad, particularly with their new 'Men of Cricket' calendar due out at Christmas. Johnson is understood to revere former Australian fast bowler Merv Hughes, who sported one of the most famous moustaches in cricket alongside David 'the keg on legs' Boon. Hughes recently stood up for Johnson in the press, suggesting it would be unfair to drop Johnson despite his abysmal performance at the Gabba.
Crestfallen Johnson further compounded his own misery when bemused team mates discovered his apparent support for a small western European nation emblazoned across his back. When Johnson removed his shirt at training yesterday, a new tattoo saying 'Go Austria' could be seen across his shoulders. Local tattooists have denied that they preyed on Johnson's inability to look over his shoulder and have blamed Doug 'the rug' Bollinger for the prank. Bollinger, the likely beneficiary of Johnson's axing, countered by saying "All I told the tattooist was that Mitchy wanted 'Go 'Straya' on his back. It wasn't my fault he was of Russian origin and misunderstood me".
Kevin Pietersen, Johnson's arch rival in the England side, smirked when told of the tattoo mishap and simply added "It could happen to anyone...but Austria is a lovely place for a holiday and I am sure their tourism industry will appreciate the advertising space. He's probably got some spare time to check it out for himself".
In a further hint that Johnson is likely to be axed, the extra wide practice net constructed to accommodate his bowling was removed over night by Adelaide ground staff. It took up the space of four normal nets and contained a plethora of stumps randomly placed across the back of the net.
Australia is due to officially announce its starting XI today, with Ryan Harris the other quick bowler pushing for a spot. Harris has only got one good knee but was able to identify the off stump in a multiple choice picture contest yesterday, which gave selectors some heart. Johnson picked out a picture of a salami.
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