tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19611131844235421642024-03-13T08:02:56.414-07:00The Ashes UpdateThis is a not-quite-the-actual-truth look at all things related to England Cricket and the Ashes.
It is a sartirical blog only and does not represent the actual news, events, statements or quotes made by any person.Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11128312680438068343noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1961113184423542164.post-75737456973972249202011-06-17T19:27:00.000-07:002011-06-17T19:33:47.754-07:00Focused on something....just not sure what?<b><span style="color: #38761d;">Perhaps, just perhaps, Cricket Australia (CA) has finally developed a modicum of consistency after the shambles of the Ashes in the summer. It seems that the 'no rhyme or reason' approach to squad selection during that infamous series proved so brilliantly successful that CA selectors have decided to adopt it permanently.</span></b><br />
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Many observers felt it was simply the pressure of a good (but not brilliant) England side that scrambled the thinking of Andrew Hilditch and co., resulting in anomalies such as Michael Beer, Xavier Doherty or Steve Smith chasing leather as glorified fielders last summer.<br />
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It would now seem that CA administrators have found a huge pot of cash to employ the team of monkeys it secretly engaged for the Ashes squad selection on permanent contracts. Peanuts and huge amounts of green and gold bananas were being delivered by the truck load to Melbourne Zoo yesterday, the new official address of CA, as the brains trust worked on their next great idea. "It's just embarrassing", said one insider as rumours circulated that the monkeys expect chauffeur service to and from the zoo. "They piss on everyone". Sadly, the same can't be said of the side they pick.<br />
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The recent announcement of the 25-man CA contract list for the 2011-2012 season was notable for a number of reasons, First, the same people who presided over the dismal Ashes debacle are still in charge. Second, good money has been given to entirely unproven players like Pat Cummins - suggesting a staggering expectation on someone who hasn't played in any senior format for Australia. Cummins will fit into a squad with more hope value associated to it than Osama bin Laden's chances of thinking paracetamol would cure his raging headache one morning as he lay in bed recently. Like bin Laden, CA now appears to be all at sea.<br />
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The well publicised axing of Simon Katich is perhaps the greatest triumph of the wildly confusing contract list. It is not as if Katich was struggling and we are not talking about district standard here, or even State cricket. No, Katich was doing his thing successfully on the world stage, single-handedly showing the resolve that the majority of his compatriots seem to lack. Katich meets most requirements of a test opener: Tough - tick. Patience - tick. Longevity - tick. Hard for opposition to get out - tick. Scores runs - tick.<br />
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So just what did go wrong? Many think that the arrival of Michael Clarke as captain has seen the selection form amended - no doubt by Twitter or some other form of unsocial social media. There are rumours that a new box was added to the key selection criteria, namely '<i>Ponce factor'. </i>Here, Katich would fail badly:<i> </i>Shaves - no. Waxes body hair - no. Models -no. Talked about as having 'future potential' - no. Displays immature tattoos - no. The other critical box would have to be: Pinned now captain against wall of dressing room and threatened to punch his lights out - tick.<br />
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Irrespective of sport, most teams would probably consider the de-selection of one of its best performing players as inconceivable, particularly during a 're-building' phase. Katich and Shane Watson, as an opening partnership, at least gave the team something to work with. The flaky middle order including Ricky Ponting, Clarke and Michael Hussey do not merit retention if runs, as they should be, are a key performance indicator. Even the retention of Ponting is based on hope - hope that he will recapture some of the form of his youth. Run scoring is no longer an essentail batting skill it would seem, as proven by Phil Hughes being able to do no wrong. Silly Katich.<br />
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Watching Australia go about its business at the moment has shades of the legacy of the Titanic - a great ship that was thought too good to need lifeboats because it couldn't sink. Katich is a lifeboat that will now be left at home to serve only the good ship New South Wales. The difference between the Titanic and Australia's test side is that before Australia even leave port, they know their ship has all the characteristics of a sieve.<br />
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Australia has also made no secret that the 'rebuilding' is targeted toward the 2013 Ashes series. Narrow minded isn't a word that would come to mind at all? Is it worth letting the Aussies know that the administrators have foolishly scheduled some cricket before then? Sri Lanka, South Africa and India over the next few months might come as a surprise and two of those are rated more highly than the Poms. Perhaps old Hilditch didn't see those in his diary. In any event, it is doubtful that England will be sacking any player because they might not play in the next Ashes series, but then again, picking a player on current merit is not something Australia appears particularly interested in. Ask our friend Mitchell just how untalented you can be and get away with it these days. Waxes - tick. Tattoos - tick.<br />
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Focus Aussies, focus. At least the first shot in the Ashes build up has been fired...somewhere...from a spud gun.Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11128312680438068343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1961113184423542164.post-78989149123106045642011-01-11T20:23:00.000-08:002011-01-13T16:36:06.552-08:00The Scores on the Doors - Part 2: Australia player ratings<span style="color: #38761d;"><b>Some good marks for the English victors were awarded in Part 1, but what about the beaten Australians. With only one or two highlights, will the combined marks of the team match England's Alistair Cook? Read on.</b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #93c47d; font-size: large;"><b>Australia</b></span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #93c47d;">Ricky Ponting:</span></b> Three Ashes losses on his CV. Ooops! Grumpy, frustrated, tactically unsure, technique fading, a man really under pressure. The Good Ship Australia is sinking and fast. But bravo to Ponting. Constantly blurting out bullshit bravado in press conferences, it became hilarious viewing. Honestly Ricky, did you really expect us to believe Michael Beer was a quality spin bowler or Steve Smith was the best number six bat in the country? No runs with the bat to speak of. Ponting scores highly as a major contributor to England. <b><span style="color: #93c47d;">8/ 10</span></b> (<span style="font-size: xx-small;">he should be included in the England player ratings such was his assistance to the Poms</span>)<br />
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<b><span style="color: #93c47d;">Michael Clarke:</span></b> Tosser. <span style="color: #93c47d;">1<b>/ 10</b></span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #93c47d;">Shane Watson:</span></b> Looks like Watson is the sort of player who reads half a book, gets bored and picks up Hello magazine instead. Gets in, gets out with the job only half done. Needs to do more sudoku puzzles to improve his concentration, although not much time in the sheds as the Aussies always seemed to be fielding, mostly to Alistair Cook. One of only three contributors for the Aussies. Runs like he is in treacle...with lead weights around his ankles. He would probably eat his way out. Sturdy lad. Bowling was weak, never really troubled England. <span style="color: #93c47d;">5<b>/10</b></span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><span style="color: #93c47d;">Simon Katich</span>:</span></b> Difficult to judge....difficult to get out. Struggled with injury but showed his usual grit. England will have been happy to see the back of him. <span style="color: #93c47d;">5<b>/10</b></span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #93c47d;">Michael Hussey:</span></b> <span style="color: #3d85c6;"> </span>The Huss was back to some of his dogged best form in the first three matches of the series. Stood up to the English bowling with great technique. Little boring mind. Faded in the two final crucial tests when England worked him out. <span style="color: #93c47d;">8/10.</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #93c47d;">Marcus North:</span></b> Turned up twice. Didn't use his bat. One wicket. <span style="color: #3d85c6;"> <span style="color: #93c47d;">1</span><b><span style="color: #93c47d;">/10</span> </b></span><span style="font-size: xx-small;">(if only for the wicket)</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #93c47d;">Brad Haddin:</span></b> Along with Hussey and Watson, Haddin contributed some solid runs in a losing cause. When he put his mind to it, looked dangerous. Sometimes thinks he is playing backyard cricket and gets out ugly. Didn't look like he enjoyed it behind the stumps. Who would with Mitchell Johnson bowling. <span style="color: #93c47d;">6<b>/10</b></span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #93c47d;">Mitchell Johnson:</span></b> Absolute tripe. A chucker with no idea whatsoever where it is going. Haddin's worst nightmare. Had the temerity to try and claim Perth was due to skill. Trust us Mitch, it wasn't, it was the wind. Along with Punter, major contributor to making life very easy for the Poms. <span style="color: #93c47d;">10</span><b><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><span style="color: #93c47d;">/10</span> </span></b><span style="font-size: xx-small;">(like Ponting, should be included in the England player ratings as he didn't contribute to Australia)</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><span style="color: #93c47d;">Xavier Doherty</span>:</span></b> Really? Waste of a Baggy Green. The X-Man is the Ex-Man. <span style="color: #93c47d;">0</span><b><span style="color: #93c47d;">.5/10 </span></b><span style="font-size: xx-small;">(for having a name beginning with X)</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #93c47d;">Peter Siddle:</span></b> A hat-trick to start, big hearted, can't move the ball one millimetre off the straight. Never gives up. You wouldn't like to get in a scrap with this fella in the car park. Note to Matt Prior. <span style="color: #93c47d;">7</span><b><span style="color: #93c47d;">/10</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #93c47d;">Ben Hilfenhaus:</span></b> Apparently he played...according to the scorecards. We believe you.<span style="color: #3d85c6;"> </span><span style="color: #93c47d;">0.5<b>/10</b></span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #93c47d;">Phil Hughes:</span></b> Midget. Wafter. Clueless. Banana farmer. <b><span style="color: #93c47d;">1/10</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #6aa84f;">Steve Smith:</span></b> Picked in the first Test squad as a batter, but not considered good enough as cover for Clarke. Then picked as a batting replacement for North. Then dropped to No. 7. Struggles to land it when he bowls. Not quite sure himself why he was even playing. Ever heard of Cameron White or David Hussey Cricket Australia?<span style="color: #93c47d;"> 2</span><b><span style="color: #93c47d;"><span style="color: #93c47d;">/</span>10</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><span style="color: #93c47d;">Mchael Beer</span>:</span></b> One for the headline writers. No good. Probably never going to wear his souvenir Baggy Green again, unless at a dress-up party where the theme is L....for losers. <b><span style="color: #93c47d;">1/10</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><span style="color: #93c47d;">Ryan Harris</span>:</span></b> Big, strong, quick...but injury prone. One good performance in Perth. Middle of the road. <span style="color: #93c47d;">5/10</span><br />
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<span style="color: #93c47d;"><b>Usman Khawaja</b></span>: Australian media went into over-drive because he got 37 and 21. A sign of the times when two scores of below 50 is greeted with such enthusiasm. Still, looked poised. Has potential. <span style="color: #93c47d;">5/10.</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #93c47d;">Doug Bollinger:</span></b> One game, told he was unfit, The Rug's best performance was his dance moves in the Vodafone TV commercial. <span style="color: #93c47d;">2/10</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #93c47d;">Tim Nielsen:</span></b> Shane Warne reckoned the Australian team didn't need a coach....looks like they don't have one at the moment. Not in the same league as Andy Flower. Benefits from Cricket Australia offering him a new three year contract just before the series. Costly bus driver. <span style="color: #93c47d;">1/10</span> <span style="color: #93c47d;"><br />
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<b>Agree or disagree? Feel free to post your own ratings here.</b>Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11128312680438068343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1961113184423542164.post-42131617043824070592011-01-11T16:12:00.000-08:002011-01-13T02:09:32.379-08:00The scores on the doors - Part 1: England player ratings<span style="color: #38761d;"><b>The 2010 Ashes Series is over. England celebrates, while Australia mourns its worst performance on home soil since er...ever. Is a revolution taking place in English cricket? Is Australia being run by a bunch of space cadets? In the wash-up, we rate the players. Here, we rightly review the victors first.</b></span> <br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-size: large;"><b>England</b></span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Andrew Strauss:</span></b> Very well presented, affable all-round nice guy and looks dapper in that royal navy blue blazer with the three lions on it. Mothers love him. Bit of an up and down series personally for the skipper. Won the toss in Brisbane, followed it up with a third ball duck...just what his side didn't need with memories of Steve Harmison never far away. Recovered with a good century second dig and scored solid runs through the rest of the series. Unflappable under pressure. Enjoyed his role and the ideal man for the job. Great working relationship with coach Andy Flower. Captain Calm. <b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">7.98/ 10</span></b> (<span style="font-size: xx-small;">not quite good enough for an eight..he did leave that ball in Adelaide that hit the top of off and made Doug the Rug look better than he was</span>)<br />
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<b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Alistair Cook:</span></b> Lovely head of hair but weak little goatie beard doesn't make him look like Bruce Willis. Perhaps he needs to shave his dark locks off to look meaner. Perceived weak link before the series but dominated with the bat from start to finish. Doesn't like to watch his colleagues bat so stayed in the middle for five whole test matches...or so it seemed. Brilliant. <b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">9.9/ 10</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Jonathan Trott:</span></b> Short, balding, ungainly and from South Africa...not normally lovable traits. Scored a sack full of runs and drained the spirit of the Aussie bowlers. Two crucial run outs effected by making Aussie batters think he couldn't field. Who cares if he parks in a caw pawk. <b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">9/10</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Kevin Pietersen:</span></b> Oh Kevin. Genius or clown? Match winning innings in Adelaide, some contributions elsewhere. Highlight was winding Ponting up in the Melbourne Test leading to the Aussie skipper 'losing it' in front of 70,000 people. Priceless. Got out in Sydney needlessly...again and to Mitch Johnson of all people. <b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">8/10</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Paul Collingwood:</span></b> A 'ranga and apparent fielding specialist. Not his finest series with the bat, but took some stunners in the field, notably the one handed leap in Perth to dismiss opposition skipper Ponting. Retired from test cricket at the end of the series. Take a bow, collect your gong. Two marks here. <span style="color: #3d85c6;"> </span><b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">9/10</span> <span style="font-size: xx-small;">(</span></b><span style="font-size: xx-small;">fielding),</span> <b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">2/10</span></b> <span style="font-size: xx-small;">(batting)</span>.<br />
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<b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Ian Bell:</span></b> He is small isn't he? Silkier than a Paris Hilton negligee, Bell oozed class as he stroked the ball at will around the grounds. Deserved hundred at Sydney. The Sherminator finally got laid. Still a bit poncy....got caught getting his hair dyed at Toni and Guy in Melbourne. <span style="color: #3d85c6;"> <b>8.5/10</b></span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Matt Prior:</span></b> Horrible beard, misguided if he thinks it's cool. You should never trust a man with a beard. Sharp behind the stumps and got plenty of practice thanks to the poor technique of the Australian batsmen. Fantastic hundred in Sydney capped off a great series for the stumper. <b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">9/10</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Stuart Broad:</span></b> Really quite a tall chap, Goldilocks provided a great foil to Jimmy Anderson. Accurate and sharp with the ball, ruffled batsmen and kept things tight. Steve Finn, at first change, benefited most as batsmen relaxed and lost concentration in search of 'easier' runs. Loss didn't hamper England like it might a few years ago. <b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">7/10</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Graeme Swann:</span></b> Has his own song, own dance and marches to a different beat. Nutcase of the side, hilarious and good for morale. Toiled away on wickets not made to measure, but apart from Brisbane, contributed solidly and won the game in Adelaide. Great video diary. <b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">7.5/10</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Jimmy Anderson:</span></b> Swing-ba-da-bing. Couldn't stop moving the ball all series and troubled every batsmen. Along with Cook, key player in England winning the series. Taken up the hobby of sledging and seems good at it too. Even went on holiday mid-series. Best spell of the series was in the Aussie first innings in Brisbane, third morning, and didn't even take a wicket. Unplayable. <b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">9.5/10</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Steve Finn:</span></b> Young, learning, took wickets in his three tests. Solid contribution although a bit leaky on runs. See comments about Stuart Broad. Will benefit massively from the experience. One to watch.<span style="color: #3d85c6;"> <b>6/10</b></span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Chris Tremlett:</span></b> Gladiator or gentle giant? Massive bloke, arms bigger than most people's thighs. Frightened Aussie batsmen with the bounce he extracted from the pitches. Phil Hughes looked like he needed a change of underwear every time he faced him. Fantastic influence on the series, offered the bowling attack something different. <b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">9/10</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Tim Bresnan:</span></b> Big Yorkshire lad. Looks like a rugby playing farmer. Would expect him to put a few ales away down the local without them even touching the side - wouldn't want to boat race him. Like Tremlett, blazing entry into the series and his spell in the Aussie second innings at Melbourne was a clincher. Strong, good pace, swing (traditional and reverse) and some good runs in Sydney too. <b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">8.5/10</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Andy Flower:</span></b> The silent assassin. Masterminding the resurgence in English cricket. Appears methodical, calm, focused and in control. Perfect combination with Strauss. ECB...give this man a big contract. <b><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">9.5/10</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Monty Panesar:</span></b> Solid and enthusiastic drinks carrier...head and shoulders above his Aussie counterparts. Sometimes brought out the wrong gear or appeared in the middle with no reason. Crowd favourite even when not playing. Didn't drop a catch. <b><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">7/10</span></b><br />
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<b>Agree or disagree? Feel free to post your own ratings here.</b>Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11128312680438068343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1961113184423542164.post-3177988002737167882011-01-10T06:33:00.000-08:002011-01-10T06:51:37.763-08:00Fifth Test @ SCG - A two horse race, just one finisher.<strong><span style="color: #38761d;">If Australia was a racehorse, it would have a bullet through its brain by now after being declared lame.</span></strong> In a one sided race, it barely made it half way round the track before falling in a crumpled heap as a majestic England cantered over the finish line, winners in Australia for the first time in twenty-four years. If the media were to have anything to do with it, this Australian team would be stoned, machined gunned and fed to the sharks just to be sure the job was done properly.<br />
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Cricket Australia should consider replacing its national anthem with the Shaggy song 'It wasn't me', in response to the apparent lack of blame being accepted for the Ashes failure by those in charge. CA Chief Executive James Sutherland denied the blame lay with him. Strangely, so does chairman of selectors Andrew Hilditch, as does coach Tim Nielsen. "At least the Muppets had someones hand up their arse making them perform." said disgruntled former test wicket-keeper Ian Healey as he failed to hide his sentiments about the lack of leadership. "Who is in charge...the tea-lady?" he snapped. If she was, no doubt her selection policy would be more consistent based on the usually delightful sandwich range at CA events.<br />
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The monkey sits idle on the pavement next to a deathly silent organ that hasn't knocked out a tune in a while. <br />
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"They'll probably blame me again", tweeted Shane Warne, although this could also be a reference to the current divorce claim going through the Melbourne courts from another disgruntled husband. It might also refer to the reaction of parents of a future generation of fat kids encouraged to tuck into chicken products the former leg-spinner is currently spruiking ubiquitously. Perhaps Warne might adopt the new anthem for himself.<br />
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England has found itself in unfamiliar territory at the end of an Ashes series in the southern hemisphere. Normally, by this stage of a tour, a temporary stand-in to the stand-in skipper is running the side, the selectors have long been holidaying in the Caribbean (usually after the third Test), a fast bowler is only something it started a tour with before hospitalisation and an Australian second innings only occurred in first innings of the second test of a series. This time, the fabled manual 'How to fail graciously', started by Graham Gooch at the end of the 1991 tour and handed down to and appended by every England captain since, was put in the post by Andrew Strauss, second class of course, to one Mr. R. Ponting. <br />
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The tourist's schedule hadn't originally factored in celebration time, a point hastily remedied by the recently retired Andrew Flintoff. Late in the early hours of Saturday morning, larrikin Flintoff asked the England team's cruise boat skipper to quickly stop by the Prime Minister's Sydney residence at Kirribilli, not to attend a function but because he needed to relieve himself in her bushes. Flintoff infamously started the garden toilet tradition in 2005 at a reception at No. 10 Downing Street following the Ashes win on home soil. Flintoff appears to have more accuracy in the dark, even with severely blurred vision, than Mitchell Johnson has with a cricket ball in hand.<br />
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So, little old Betty will be sharpening her sword at Buckingham Palace, with a whole set of new gongs likely to be handed out to a number of cricketers, just for doing what they are paid to do. Poor old Paul Collingwood will get his second award just for turning up and taking the odd catch. "Good work if you can get it", grumped Geoff Boycott who had to make a hundred appearances and score 8,000 runs before he got his own souvenir from the Queen. "They'll probably start giving you one (an OBE) in your Cornflakes box soon", added Boycott in typically outspoken fashion.<br />
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England won the series 3-1, completing a previously unimaginable third innings-plus thrashing of a demoralised Australian side in the fifth and final Ashes Test at the Sydney Cricket Ground. Australia, devoid of its regular skipper, one fast bowler in hospital, selectors missing in action, five years worth of Baggy Greens handed out in one series and totally bereft of ideas, is looking every bit the new England. Enjoy the next twenty-four years.<br />
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A short twenty-twenty series is next on the schedule, followed by a seven game one-day series between the two sides. It provides a chance for Australia to gain a modicum of revenge. The first T20 kicks off in Adelaide, the City of Churches, on Wednesday. Ample opportunity for new skipper Cameron White to start preying.Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11128312680438068343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1961113184423542164.post-78930557568989120342011-01-05T17:38:00.000-08:002011-01-05T18:07:36.882-08:00Chalk and cheese but silence is golden for Strauss<span style="color: #38761d;"><strong>Opposites attract, so suggests the well worn theory. Nothing illustrates this better perhaps than the Ashes rivalry that draws England and Australia together.</strong></span><br />
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These two proud nations were set on an eternal collision course the day Captain Cook, the sailor not the current England opener, stepped foot on Terra Australis in 1770<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: #38761d;">.</span> </span>Australia has sought one-upmanship over the 'Mother Country' ever since and the cricket field has proven to be perhaps the biggest leveller of all when it comes to blows with England. Latterly, Shane Warne sought to expand these horizons beyond the oval, often preferring the world of SMS and a London hotel to play out his own contretemps with the English.<br />
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This current Ashes series has given us the generally courteous and polite Poms. England has adopted a say-nothing policy toward its Australian counterparts. No soundbites, no public criticism of its opponent for the press to seize on. Australia, by contrast, decided it wanted to chirp and listen to the sound of its own voice months out from the start of the test series. <br />
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Shane Watson told us, confidently, England wouldn't be able to bowl on Australian pitches with the Kookaburra ball. Mitchell Johnson informed Andrew Strauss that he would be targeted as his bunny and Justin Langer latterly suggested England would regret taunting Phil Hughes about his batting deficiencies. <br />
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Not exactly out of character for either side. This time, however, the Poms were inwardly confident both in its ability and preparation. Galvanised by its leadership team of the two Andrews, Flower and Strauss, coach and captain, it has gone about its work with quiet efficiency and fortitude. England appreciates all too readily the failures of the last twenty-four years to take any other approach. Better to keep your mouth shut until you have the runs on the board.<br />
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Following the loss of the Ashes on home soil in 1986/7, Australia built a dynasty of cricketers that were highly talented, tough, brash and confident. Living legends of the game emerged in the form of Alan Border, Steve Waugh, Ricky Ponting, Adam Gilchrist, Glenn McGrath and, of course, Warne. There were many others too who were highly talented. It seemed that the line was endless. These were cricketers who could say what they liked, confident they could back it up on the field almost at will. Sadly for Australia and the current generation of cricketers, it has not quite come to terms with the en-masse departure of such talent and the cloak of invincibility they took with them. Australian players still persist with the chirp, the digs and the verbal diarrhoea that flows into the press, all of which is now beginning to make it look rather silly. It is one thing to be positive, but another to talk plain rubbish. It is a habit Australia quickly needs to put back in the closet for the time being.<br />
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In a summer where the balance of power has clearly shifted in favour of a vibrant England side, why has the demise of the Australians, more often than not, been the headline grabber? England's cricket has largely spoken for itself. It has been well organised, consistent (with the exception of Perth) and generally of high quality. In other words, repetitive. Unlike the ragged England teams of old, its current team doesn't court controversy, selection has been almost too simple and it hasn't self imploded. Essentially, it has just been about the cricket and good cricket at that. Sadly, it doesn't make for interesting headlines in this media saturated world to continually write about another England hundred by Cook or Jimmy Anderson swinging the ball past well worn Australian edges.<br />
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In stark contrast, Cricket Australia has literally stuck a kick-me note on its backside and invited all and sundry to sink the boot in on a daily basis. Starting with an embarrassing loss to Sri-Lanka in the short one-day series preceding the Ashes, Australia quickly followed this up with a confused and farcical squad selection for the first Test. Thereafter it snowballed. Xavier Doherty was picked and dropped almost without trace, Marcus North's tenure was a constant question, Michael Beer a pick of desperation. Australian self destruction was complete when its obdurate captain Ricky Ponting and, presumably, the selectors, decided the number three batsman should play with a broken finger in the Boxing Day test at Melbourne. Batting with such restriction would be a tricky task even in backyard cricket and so it was almost cruel to watch Ponting struggling to get the ball off the square in the biggest arena of them all at the MCG. Ponting infamously compounded a personally dire summer with his graceless blow-up as he disputed an unsuccessful review.<br />
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Dare we call an England side winning in Australia (for the first time in twenty-four years) dull? Andrew Strauss will not mind the lack of headlines one bit for it was all part of a well conceived and executed plan. The urn is packed away in his suitcase for safe keeping until these two old foes clash again. Chalk and cheese it has been but it makes for the best of relationships really.Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11128312680438068343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1961113184423542164.post-23315171135501642992011-01-01T00:41:00.000-08:002011-01-01T04:43:42.605-08:00Fourth Ashes Test @ MCG - Aussies hosed down by Poms as sprinkler douses Ashes flames<strong><span style="color: #38761d;">The fat lady was singing and loudly, very loudly. "We are the army, the Barmy Army" roared the rather rotund example of British female beauty as she stood amongst the huge contingent of lobster coloured England supporters at the Melbourne Cricket Ground yesterday. The Ashes is over. History made.</span></strong><br />
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The Barmies went wild in celebration, beer guts shook with pride and alcohol sales soared in Melbourne. Meanwhile, Ricky Ponting was ordered to undergo an urgent eyesight and hearing test by Cricket Australia. Not only has Ponting been unable to spot a cricket ball all summer, he couldn't see the two ginormous screens in the MCG replaying the Kevin Pietersen incident before his epic hissy fit during England's first innings.<br />
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Ponting continued a deranged on-field outburst for five minutes, indiscriminately abusing anyone close enough to listen to his ranting. At one point, even a startled Gatorade drinks boy copped a hammering as he drove the drinks cart off the field. "Did you see it? Did you?" demanded Ponting of the unfortunate boy. After a Ryan Harris ball passed Pietersen's bat, the wild-eyed Australian captain was adamant he had seen a hotspot that didn't exist and heard a noise that 'snicko' couldn't detect. He probably saw Elvis driving Santa's sleigh on Christmas Eve too. Pietersen is believed to have toyed further with Ponting suggesting he had "smashed the crap out of that one buddy". Ponting appears to be slowly losing the will to live in this calamitous Australian team. Rumours that he sits on his stripped bed at night, wearing nothing but his pads, gloves and helmet, rocking back and forth for hours in the dark have been denied by Cricket Australia. <br />
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The marketing division of Ponting's sponsor, vitamin company Swisse Ultivite, is believed to be worried by the Aussie skipper's comment to the umpires that "you shouldn't believe everything you see and hear on TV", after Pietersen was given not-out using the referral system. In his TV commercial promoting the vitamins, Ponting tells us that "You'll feel better on Swisse". One advertising expert said that "The sincerity of the commercial is undermined by fears that Ponting just makes stuff up, just like when he claims catches that bounce". It might not be all bad for Ponting, with rumours that laser eye surgery specialist Vision Laser is lining up a sponsorship for him. A part in Pinocchio might also be up for grabs.<br />
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Former Australian great Shane Warne yesterday Tweeted that "Punter shouldn't have played with a broken finger - couldn't bat to save himself". Ian Botham, England's own Ashes hero of the past, went one further when he said "Ricky must of thought his hand would heal quicker than Jesus that time they put him in a cave for a few days rest after that whole cross ordeal". Botham was perhaps suggesting that Cricket Australia's decision to play its most experienced player with a broken finger was a bit of a gamble gone badly wrong. "In fact, he probably thinks he is Jesus", Botham added dryly "although I reckon Jesus would have a better technique against the swinging ball...he could probably sense which way it would go".<br />
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The result of this Test appears to suggest that Perth was a bump in the road for England. It dominated this match from the moment Andrew Strauss won the toss and sent Australia in to bat, a generous term for the stick wafting ritual performed by the Australian team in its dismal first innings 98 all out. As for the bowling performance, Richie Benaud told viewers during a commentary stint that "In my day, if I couldn't bowl six deliveries an over exactly where my captain told me to, I would get the chop for the next game. Today, it appears that if you bowl six good deliveries a match, that will do". This was a clear criticism of the woeful Mitchell Johnson, the self proclaimed 'leader of the attack', who is fast becoming the Australian Steve Harmison. "He bowls to the left, he bowls to the right, but that Mitchell Johnson, his bowling's shite", sing the Barmies gleefully every time Johnson enters the fray. <br />
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English entrepreneur, billionaire and cricket fan, Richard Branson, joined the Aussie-bashing by saying "If I could only do my job once in a blue moon, I doubt I would be where I am today. I would probably be a dirty taxi driver doing the night-shift. Australian selectors seem to pick players like Johnson, Hughes or Smith and cross their fingers, shut their eyes and hope that they come good despite continually bad performances, which is actually an old English selection ritual. Thank God surgeons aren't employed on the same basis. If Johnson was a postie, all your mail would end up three streets away and all over your front lawn".<br />
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England, led by its clown-in-chief, Graeme Swann, turned the MCG into one large dance floor at the end of the game with a performance of the infamous 'sprinkler' dance to the delight of the adoring Barmy Army. "Brilliant. Definitely more coordinated than David Boon after a long haul flight to London", said a smug Michael Vaughan.<br />
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The margin of victory by England was an innings and 157 runs, its second innings defeat of the Australians in three games. The two teams now move on to the Fifth Test in Sydney with the scoreline 1-2 in favour of the English. Although the Ashes now remain firmly in England's grasp for the next couple of years, both sides will want to win the final game for differing reasons. It will be far from a dead rubber. England has already avoided a series defeat for the first time in twenty-four years, but will be hoping desperately for a series win. Australia will be hoping for another Perth miracle.<br />
<span style="background-color: white;"></span>Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11128312680438068343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1961113184423542164.post-28811377741475129252010-12-22T16:19:00.000-08:002010-12-22T21:05:52.362-08:0022 yards and a sledge for good measure<strong><span style="color: #38761d;">Conspiracy theories are raging around Melbourne about the questionable antics of a local gardener tending to a strip of mown grass</span><span style="color: #38761d;">.</span></strong> <br />
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Those of the 'Lee Harvey-Oswald didn't act alone persuasion' would have you believe that dark forces within Cricket Australia are surreptitiously doctoring pitch preparation at the Melbourne Cricket Ground to offer its bowlers any advantage it can get in the crucial Boxing Day Test against England. <br />
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In the last 24 hours, there have been numerous reported sightings at salubrious road-houses along the Nullabor that a strip of grass, measuring approximately 22 yards and strapped to the back of a flat bed truck, is on the move east from Perth to Melbourne. One 'eye witness', Shane 'the sheep shagger' Wilson, 49 and father of fifteen, told journalists that "I seen a bloke watering and rolling the back of his bloody truck the other noyt out back o' the pub come post office/ diy store/ chemist/ school/ doctors", a building in the small settlement of Mundrabilla. In Madura, further west, other so-called witnesses of varying character have described the strip of grass as having all the hallmarks of a wicket. It apparently has a green tinge, white painted tram lines at either end and was in almost pristine condition except for a few 'bowlers footmarks' according to the sightings. "Looks like it was used just for bowling practice" said one unconcerned local, Bill O'Keefe. When pressed further, O'Keefe said "Look 'ere mate, I can tell yous all it was grass 'cos we haven't seen any round 'ere since 1972 so it's bleedin obvious". He wryly added " I tried to even get a bit for me back yard cricket this Chrissy but the driver, Tim, nicked orf too quick for me".<br />
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Ebay also reports that one of the big ticket items it has just auctioned this week was a piece of turf. The listing read "<em>Wanted - home for a much loved and tendered piece of turf approximately 22 yards long, 10 feet wide. Comes with all accessories, including white lines, wiring holes, six wooden pegs and four bails. Suit pace quartet. Warning - does not come with unique Freemantle Doctor to aid bizarre swing bowling. Successful bidder to collect</em>". The winning bid was by English-born Mr Nielsen of South Australia. His previous history indicates he has purchased items such as a whiteboard, clipboard and John Buchanan's cricket coaching manual. His buyer rating though is one star (five being the highest). The whereabouts of Mr Nielsen and the Ebay item are currently unknown.<br />
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As the Australian team congregated at its Melbourne hotel last night vice-captain Michael Clarke, speaking in the unexplained absence of the Australian coach, said that "the bowlers were feeling good and just wish they could have rolled up the Perth wicket and brought it with them". Clarke was later seen cuddled up close to Peter Siddle as the pair whispered and cackled with laughter.<br />
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Cameron Hodgkins, the MCG curator, denied that there was anything suspicious about the rectangular shaped hole at the centre of the MCG. "It is normal practice to hide the wicket for safe keeping", Hodgkins fired off at a press conference from a grassy knoll outside the ground.<br />
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Despite the media fuelled conspiracy theory, a press release overnight from Lords, London, by the guardians of cricket, the MCC, confirms that the rules of the game will not be changed, despite a request by Cricket Australia. It states that both sides are still required to bat and the traditional protocol for them to do so on the same pitch is unaltered. This will be disconcerting news to Australia's batting that will now be expected to reprise its one-man batting show on the same questionable pitch as England. This would appear to be a major flaw in any ill-considered CA conspiracy. A wicket that further appeals to both sets of bowlers would not be the stocking filler Australian captain Ricky Ponting was hoping for to lift him out of his batting slump, given England's strong showing with the ball so far in Australian conditions. A coin toss may decide the outcome of the Test.<br />
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Another aspect occupying plenty of column inches over the last few days is the Australian art of 'sledging', the tactic of asking obscene questions of the batsmen about the well being of his wife or kids or the marital status of his parents at the time of his birth. England batsman Kevin Pietersen yesterday misunderstood the question and deemed sledging to be fine. "There is nothing wrong with it at all", he said "it is probably the easiest way to get around the UK at the moment judging by the weather reports we have been getting".<br />
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Boxing Day is looming with 90,000 expected to pack out the MCG for the Fourth Vodafone Test.Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11128312680438068343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1961113184423542164.post-44937546230467909902010-12-19T04:25:00.000-08:002010-12-20T14:54:52.814-08:00Third Ashes Test @ WACA: Back to the future as England hammered<strong><span style="color: #38761d;">The commonly held perception that life in Perth, the wild west outpost, meanders along fifteen years behind the eastern states was true in more ways than one for a disjointed England side savaged by Australia today. England gave up the Third Ashes Test at the WACA by the handsome margin of 267 runs.</span></strong><br />
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When England stepped onto its time machine at Melbourne airport for the four hour flight back in time to the most remote city on the planet, it will feel tonight as though the pilot entered 1991 in the 'flux capacitor' of the DeLorean. The only thing missing was Marty McFly and the hairbrained Doc Brown.<br />
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Just as Australia's bowling collectively came good for the first time in this series, England's batting drew comparison with the woeful days of the 1990's when it traditionally treated a tour Downunder as one big barbecue spread over five states. In those days, a game of cricket was always seen to be an unwelcome distraction that dragged the tourists kicking and screaming off the beach or from a tawdry backpacker bar. The thought of three hundred runs in a game for the English was normally an aggregate of the runs conceded off Phil Tufnell's ganja fuelled bowling. Equally, rain was never a saviour and only came in the form of Merv Hughes spitting all over meek English batsmen with his obscure brand of incomprehensible sledging (the words were too muffled through his over-sized moustache).<br />
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Such was England's disorientation during the Fourth Test that its batting coach, former opening batsman Graham Gooch, probably thought he was due to open the innings for his country with Wayne Larkins rather than remind his lacklustre charges how to bat for more than three minutes apiece. At one point this morning, Ian Bell and Matt Prior appeared to be in a contest to see who could get off the field and showered the quickest. Bell, with his pretty boy preening and pampering routine, was always onto a loser there. Kevin Pietersen, meanwhile, didn't appear to be out in the middle long enough to warrant a shower during the entire match.<br />
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Both batting line-ups proved to be more adept at sinking without trace than a ship in the Bermuda triangle, but it was the 'distracted' English team that had the biggest hole in its batting to worry about. Twice it capitulated faster than it takes Shane Warne to hand out his phone number at a nursing college party. Warne himself seemed unaffected by his dash to London last week to attend to his primitive man urges and was full of energy in the commentary box as he fended off jibes from his chuckling co-commentators. "Dunno what excuse they have got" Warne chirped when talking about the leaden footed English side, "I love it when the English women come". Warne then had to hastily qualify his statement "To town I meant. To town". <br />
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Despite the size of the win, it was not all was rosy for Australia in this Test. Two further below par batting performances were rescued on each occasion by Mike Hussey as he continues to paper over the massive cracks that have surfaced top to bottom in its order. Phil Hughes is nothing but a gift wrapped wicket, Ricky Ponting and Michael Clarke are doing their best to imitate village green cricketers, Steve Smith is uncertain as to why he is even in the side other than to crack the funnies and the lower order rolls over easier than a politician in a brothel.<br />
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It is far too early and difficult to judge Mitchell Johnson's performance at the WACA. Every woeful Vegas blackjack roller, after all, gets lucky every now and again, something Warne himself has recently found out on the dating front. It is probably inconceivable that Johnson's spiral down the world rankings for two years was part of a cunning plan of Cricket Australia to lull England into a false sense of comfort by the middle of an important test series. That would be a plan of the craziest Baldrick-esque genius and would suggest too much credit to the Australian selectors where it isn't due.<br />
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And so what impact the English WAGs who arrived with their expensive handbags, over sized goggle sunglasses and vacuous comments this week? The WAG only appears to have one purpose on any cricket tour and that is to holiday, socialise and get their latest skinny body into the pages of a low-brow gossip magazine that celebrates their inane life with who-cares discussion about their diet regime. They then also demand their highly paid cricket playing partner to devote time to non-cricket activities. It would be unimaginable to believe that a commander in chief of the armed forces in Iraq, trigger finger poised over the nuke button, would have his wife asking over his shoulder if a camel ride in the desert was a good idea or what local restaurant they should indulge at next. Now, if these brave people seem capable of managing more than two months apart from their families in life threatening circumstances, it shouldn't be beyond the realms of possibility that a cricketer could do likewise to focus on what he is paid to be doing.<br />
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Both sides now bumble on to the fourth test at the Melbourne Cricket Ground with no real idea if the old adage of form is temporary and class is permanent applies to either of them. Momentum is a word often used in cricket and while Australia may claim it is with them, it need only look at the quality of England's ABS as it arrived at the WACA to know that it is another broken finger away from disaster. Wrap that Hussey up in cotton wool.<br />
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The series is now level at 1-1, with two tests left to play.Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11128312680438068343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1961113184423542164.post-19340597669310165162010-12-15T01:48:00.000-08:002010-12-20T14:40:19.087-08:00Comedy and a Beer<span style="color: #38761d;"><strong>First came <em>Warnie: The musical</em>, now Cricket Australia has come up with <em>The Ashes 2010: The comedy</em>.</strong></span> Using a cast of thousands and a script randomly made up on the run, it is best described as a tragi-comedy with the feel of a car crash waiting to happen. Crucially, the biggest criticism of this comedy is the apparant lack of any plot, allegedly because CA lost the envelope it was hastily scribbled on. Despite losing the plot, this show appears to be hilarious viewing with endless new characters to engage the audience and critics alike each week.<br />
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Auditions for several key roles have been taking place for a couple of years. The character of <em>The Spinner</em> has proved particularly difficult for those casting the eleven main positions. Ten pretenders so far have been vying for The Spinner, which is loosely based on a now mythical legend called Shane, a fat blond cricketer who once played for Australia an eon ago. The various spluttering actors in the role thus far have all proved unpalatable to audiences that are not associating with the legend. This has resulted in CA chiefs axing each of the untalented actors, usually by SMS, as befitting of Shane. Each actor is offered a 'Baggy Green', a puffy train driver style cap of the early 1900's, as a souvenir of their brief stint in the show. Some, like the tormented Nathan Hauritz, have tried to pawn the gift for groceries on the loose assumption that within three months they will get another shot in the comedy. Sponsor of the show, Vodafone, is also offering a free Baggy Green to anyone prepared to act temporarily in the show this week, which is playing at the WACA. No particular talent is required and the promotional material does suggest participants should not quit any regular employment.<br />
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CA has developed some unusual characters for the comedy, including the village idiot, played by Mitchell Johnson, a shy character who has a weird habit of defacing his arms with a black marker who also hurls stuff randomly at people, including comdey abuse attributed to tourettes. This appears to be a highlight of the show, with Johnson's spasmodic character regularly receiving howls of laughter and derision for his buffooning performances that vary wildly from day to day. The character of <em>The Batsmen</em>, currently played by some travelling Englishmen, is far safer than the audience when Johnson is centre stage.<br />
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One of the latest additions to the cast is <em>The Midget</em>, a role that is believed to take its inspiration from <em>Mini-Me</em>, the spoof villainous character in the Austin Powers trilogy. The Midget, played by Phil Hughes, is strapped to <em>The Gym Buff</em> (Shane Watson) who labours around the stage awkwardly stroking his hyper slick hair as The Midget slashes wildly with a bat at anything close to him. Captain Grumpy, played by veteran actor Ricky Ponting, is the central figure and a character who regularly shows comedic disgust with his counterparts, including a rib-tickling 'teapot' routine as he stares cross-eyed all while furiously chewing his tongue. Ponting has based his character on the silent movies of the 1920s, when actors couldn't speak to communicate on stage.<br />
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Unheard of actor Michael Beer has also been hastily added to the lengthy cast list this week, albeit it is uncertain why or what role he could possibly play. Ponting admitted that CA has probably only brought him on board because of the endless headline writing possibilities it could create during the competitive pantomime season. So far, this appears to be bearing fruit, with tag lines such as "All the Beer..no idea" or "Cheers England...here's The Ashes on us".<br />
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Catch the show this week from Thursday to Monday at the WACA in Perth, although spectators are urged to get to the first three days as there is some uncertainty surrounding the Sunday and Monday performances. Special red-carpet guests attending include posh English actress Liz Hurley, invited courtesy of social media website Twitter.Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11128312680438068343noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1961113184423542164.post-69428310451248848722010-12-13T22:12:00.000-08:002010-12-16T14:41:44.902-08:00Second Ashes Test @ Adelaide Oval: It's England by a country mile<div><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"></span><br />
<div style="color: #38761d;">Quite frankly, England handed out a good old boarding school, pants down, thrashing to the old enemy Australia in the Second Vodafone Test at the Adelaide Oval last Tuesday. <br />
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<span style="color: white;">England steamrolled its way to victory by a margin of an innings and 71 runs, its first win over Australia by an innings since the Boxing Day test of 1986. Shane Warne described it on air as similar to the pounding he received from his (then) wife, Simone, every time his errant texting fingers used to get him into trouble with English nurses. After thinking about it further, Warne changed his mind and compared it to the hiding Tiger Woods received at the fearsome hands of his former wife when he confessed to her about the occasional extra-marital affair. </span><br />
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<span style="color: white;">Australia's batting collapse on the final morning was nothing short of dramatic, losing its last six wickets for 66 runs in twenty overs in something of a hurry. Graeme Swann was the chief destroyer bagging five wickets. Sullen captain Ricky Ponting denied a lack of confidence in his batters to survive despite only putting an hours worth of change in the parking meter when he parked up the team bus outside the ground on the last morning. Ponting didn't even get out of the bus, keeping the engine running as, one by one, his batsmen returned to the bus after a brief stroll out to the wicket and back to say hello to the England bowlers.</span><br />
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<span style="color: white;">Entering the fifth and final day with the predicted rain and storms its only possible saviour, all hope was lost, mentally, for the Australian team the moment the remaining batsmen peeled back the hotel room curtains to the sorry sight of sunshine and blue skies bathing the City of Churches. Chief Sitting Bull Dakota , Australia's most recent addition to its backroom staff, expressed dismay at his costly failure to conjure up a storm of biblical proportions that could have dashed England's bid to take a deserved lead in the series. Simon Katich is outraged at the Chief's rain dance routine because it caused him a serious tear of his Achilles tendon that will now keep him out of the remainder of the series. The bizarre rain dance ritual, involving all of the players, was performed before and after play each day in the changing rooms and saw captain Ricky Ponting riding a naked Shane Watson on all fours as he (Watson) pretended to be a bear (seen as sacred to native North Americans) while slapping him with some limp celery and all as the other players danced in a circle around the uncomfortable duo. Katich is believed to have slipped on a huge blob of Watson's hair wax and torn the affected tendon as he barrelled backwards down a set of stairs into the buffet cart. </span><br />
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<span style="color: white;">Ponting admitted to the hungry media pack outside the mini-bus that 'England out-bowled, out-batted and out-fielded us' as he insightfully described the defeat "No shit" said a jubilant Ian Botham as he waited over the road for a taxi, all while holding long-time adversary Ian Chappell in a headlock.</span><br />
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<span style="color: white;">So what now for Australia? It appears to many that the Australian team has chosen to go retro and impersonate the wretched England cricket teams of the 1990s, believing that one batter, a wicket keeper and a tattered copy of the local Lonely Planet guide is sufficient for an Ashes tour. England used to also believe that spin was something politicians did, not their bowlers and a coach was for getting to the ground in. There are now more jobs going in the Australian team than there are at the start of the holiday season at Disney Land, albeit the role of Mickey Mouse was eagerly snaffled by Mitchell Johnson some time ago. Doug Bollinger appears to have put his hand up for Goofy. Swann cheekily tweeted yesterday that "In case Australia is interested, South Africa usually has a supply of handy cricketers going spare".</span><br />
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<span style="color: white;">Cricket Australia selectors may be careering from one absurd decision to another, but at least its wizard marketing gurus appear to have got something right. Randomly, it has unwittingly predicted the feats achieved in this test series with unerring accuracy so far with its unfortunate slogan 'History will be made' on promotional material. In the Adelaide test alone, history making involved the first 'Diamond Duck' for Ryan Harris, Australia making the worst batting start to a test since the late 1930's, England batsman Alistair Cook scoring the most runs for the most minutes occupying the crease without being dismissed. England also achieved the feat of passing 500 in successive Ashes innings in Australia for the first time, while it was the first time England has defeated Australia by an innings in 24 years. This all came on top of the run scoring records achieved by Andrew Strauss, Jonathan Trott and Cook up at the Gabba. </span><br />
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<span style="color: white;">England head to Perth looking for a win that would retain the Ashes. If they do, Swann has suggested England will pick a team from the Barmy Army to play the final two tests. </span><br />
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</div></div>Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11128312680438068343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1961113184423542164.post-75090074406122819452010-12-01T14:51:00.000-08:002010-12-16T14:08:43.240-08:00The tap on the shoulder Mitch?<strong><span style="color: #6aa84f;">In breaking news this morning in the Australian media, it appears that Australian cricket selectors have finally lost patience with wayward slingman Mitchell Johnson and dropped him for the second test in Adelaide that starts on Friday</span></strong>.<br />
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It is understood that Johnson was axed not because of his inability to bowl anywhere near the wooden pegs but because of his penchant to retain his dirty moustache, despite the end of the 'Movember' charity month. Rumours circulating in cricket circles suggest that Andrew Hilditch just couldn't take Johnson seriously with his rather smutty paedophile look and felt it wasn't appropriate for the media conscious squad, particularly with their new 'Men of Cricket' calendar due out at Christmas. Johnson is understood to revere former Australian fast bowler Merv Hughes, who sported one of the most famous moustaches in cricket alongside David 'the keg on legs' Boon. Hughes recently stood up for Johnson in the press, suggesting it would be unfair to drop Johnson despite his abysmal performance at the Gabba.<br />
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Crestfallen Johnson further compounded his own misery when bemused team mates discovered his apparent support for a small western European nation emblazoned across his back. When Johnson removed his shirt at training yesterday, a new tattoo saying 'Go Austria' could be seen across his shoulders. Local tattooists have denied that they preyed on Johnson's inability to look over his shoulder and have blamed Doug 'the rug' Bollinger for the prank. Bollinger, the likely beneficiary of Johnson's axing, countered by saying "All I told the tattooist was that Mitchy wanted 'Go 'Straya' on his back. It wasn't my fault he was of Russian origin and misunderstood me".<br />
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Kevin Pietersen, Johnson's arch rival in the England side, smirked when told of the tattoo mishap and simply added "It could happen to anyone...but Austria is a lovely place for a holiday and I am sure their tourism industry will appreciate the advertising space. He's probably got some spare time to check it out for himself".<br />
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In a further hint that Johnson is likely to be axed, the extra wide practice net constructed to accommodate his bowling was removed over night by Adelaide ground staff. It took up the space of four normal nets and contained a plethora of stumps randomly placed across the back of the net.<br />
<br />
Australia is due to officially announce its starting XI today, with Ryan Harris the other quick bowler pushing for a spot. Harris has only got one good knee but was able to identify the off stump in a multiple choice picture contest yesterday, which gave selectors some heart. Johnson picked out a picture of a salami.Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11128312680438068343noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1961113184423542164.post-60341954504902918742010-11-30T22:02:00.000-08:002010-12-01T18:01:22.740-08:00First Ashes Test @ The Gabba, Brisbane. It's a better start for England than 2006!<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify;"><country-region w:st="on"><place w:st="on"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: lime; font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #38761d;">En</span><span style="color: #38761d;">gland</span></span></b></place></country-region><span style="color: #38761d;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;"> is in full party mode after guaranteeing itself a far better result on Australian shores compared to the ill-feted 2006 thrashing following today’s drawn first test at the Gabba</span></b><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt;">Downing Street is about to announce a public holiday this Friday in England to celebrate the outstanding feat of not losing a test and the Queen is likely to knight Alistair Cook. “Up yours McGrath” said a rather bleary Andrew Flintoff as he bumbled around the Queensland Cricket association members bar at the Gabba, searching for new drinking buddies Andrew Symonds and Nathan Hauritz. McGrath always predicts a 5-0 Aussie whitewash in Ashes contests.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt;">“It’s a victory for English sport” said British Prime Minister David Cameron in a country with a very low base of sporting expectation and past achievement. <country-region w:st="on"><place w:st="on">England</place></country-region>’s cricketers were famously awarded OBE’s after the 2005 Ashes, its first success in 20 years. This included Paul Collingwood who contributed 17 runs in the whole series. The 1966 soccer world cup win against <country-region w:st="on"><place w:st="on">West Germany</place></country-region> is still considered a recent event by the English public, while the 2003 rugby world cup win should sustain the deprived nation for another forty years yet.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt;">The see-saw draw at the Gabba started promisingly but fizzled out into a bat dominated contest from the end of the second day onwards. The pitch for this highly anticipated contest has been kindly described as lifeless, whereas Australian seamer Ben Hilfenhaus was heard muttering under his breath that “that f-ing sponge had less frickin life in it than the prospect of a Michael Jackson comeback tour taking place at an all boys under eleven boarding school with no parental supervision”.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt;">Reports are circulating that the Gabba’s curator, Kevin Mitchell, was last seen boarding a plane to <country-region w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Afghanistan</place></country-region> on Sunday night. His sit-on-roller was found abandoned at <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Brisbane</place></city> airport’s drop-off parking area with its engine still puttering away. His teary wife mumbled a few words to the press which included "witch hunt", “safer than here” and “the bastard took all the gardening tools with him“.</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt;"><shapetype coordsize="21600,21600" filled="f" id="_x0000_t75" o:preferrelative="t" o:spt="75" path="m@4@5l@4@11@9@11@9@5xe" stroked="f"><stroke joinstyle="miter"></stroke><formulas><f eqn="if lineDrawn pixelLineWidth 0"></f><f eqn="sum @0 1 0"></f><f eqn="sum 0 0 @1"></f><f eqn="prod @2 1 2"></f><f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelWidth"></f><f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelHeight"></f><f eqn="sum @0 0 1"></f><f eqn="prod @6 1 2"></f><f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelWidth"></f><f eqn="sum @8 21600 0"></f><f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelHeight"></f><f eqn="sum @10 21600 0"></f></formulas><path gradientshapeok="t" o:connecttype="rect" o:extrusionok="f"></path><lock aspectratio="t" v:ext="edit"></lock></shapetype><shape alt="" id="il_fi" o:spid="_x0000_i1025" style="height: 143.25pt; width: 143.25pt;" type="#_x0000_t75"><imagedata o:href="http://therentalzone.net/roller3ton.jpg" src="file:///C:\DOCUME~1\ANTHON~1.CAL\LOCALS~1\Temp\msohtml1\01\clip_image001.jpg"></imagedata></shape></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt;">After the game, <country-region w:st="on">England</country-region> coach Andy Flower confirmed that <country-region w:st="on">England</country-region> captain Andrew Strauss had not intended to declare the second innings closed when he was seen down at the side of the <country-region w:st="on"><place w:st="on">England</place></country-region> dressing room waving his hands furiously in the air. It transpires that he was instead trying to coax the Barmy Army into a final Mexican wave to entertain the <country-region w:st="on"><place w:st="on">England</place></country-region> performance squad. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt;">Bored England batsman Alistair Cook, 235 not out at the time, saw this as his opportunity to scarper from the field after trying with playful abandon to get out multiple times on the final day. Cook later said at the press conference "those stubborn Aussies just wanted me to bat all day. I kept offering a few half chances today as I didn’t want to obliterate Don Bradman’s record of the highest score on this ground. But the harder I tried, the less responsive the Aussies were. I think they wanted more bowling practice on top of the 150 or so overs that they had already served up on a platter”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cook continued “When I saw Straussy waving his arms about I was certain it was the declaration, but I turned up in the changing room and he looked at me strangely. It was then I knew I had stuffed up badly. I gave him a cheeky wave, put on my sombrero and shouted ’ole’ but he didn‘t seem best pleased”. Cook batted on all but one day of the test but was out doing naughty boy extra batting practice in the nets after the game as punishment by Strauss.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt;">While <country-region w:st="on">England</country-region> are cock-a-hoop to leave with a draw after a disastrous start to the test, <country-region w:st="on">Australia</country-region> has a few concerns about its line up for the next test in <place w:st="on"><city w:st="on">Adelaide</city></place> starting on Friday. Aussie fans are trying to work out which is uglier, Mitchell Johnson’s moustache or his bowling. Having issued Johnson with the book titled ‘<i>The Bowler's Art: Understanding Spin, Swing and Swerve (Brian Wilkins, 1992) </i>Cricket <country-region w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Australia</place></country-region> is dismayed to discover Johnson can’t actually read. “It probably explains why he hasn’t adapted his military technique” said Australian coach Tim Nielsen as he described Johnson’s hand grenade throwing bowling style, which includes a weird grimace, now understood to be him pulling an imaginary pin with his teeth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Former Australian skipper and nugget, Alan Border, added that “it explains why Mitch got maps of <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Perth</place></city> tattooed all over his arm rather than his name and address, which we suggested, because clearly he wouldn’t have understood what they said”. Johnson has a habit of forgetting where he lives and is well known for a poor sense of direction.</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: center;"><span lang="EN" style="color: black; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;"><a href="http://www.theage.com.au/photogallery/sport/cricket/day-four-action-at-the-gabba/20101128-18c9c.html" title="Shane Watson bowls during the first session. <em>Photo: Getty Images</em>"><span style="text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;"><shape alt="Mitchell Johnson sends down a delivery on a day he would probably like to forget. <EM>Photo: Getty Images</EM>" id="mImg" o:button="t" o:spid="_x0000_i1026" style="height: 210pt; width: 137.25pt;" title=""Shane Watson bowls during the first session. <em>Photo: Getty Images</em>"" type="#_x0000_t75"><imagedata o:href="http://images.theage.com.au/2010/11/28/2068741/svJOHNSON-600x400.jpg" src="file:///C:\DOCUME~1\ANTHON~1.CAL\LOCALS~1\Temp\msohtml1\01\clip_image003.jpg"></imagedata></shape></span></a></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt;">Australian sponsors Gatorade could be dismayed if Johnson is axed from the team as it has used the haphazard bowler in its latest TV ad campaign. Strangely, Cricket Australia should have taken the glaring message from the commercial, which shows an umpire signalling six from a Johnson ball, Johnson getting South African captain Graeme Smith out but only when he was batting at number eleven with a broken hand and only after the ball deviated a foot off a massive crack in the pitch. In addition, Johnson discusses how he has to run in and bowl so many times a year, which is mainly attributed to the significant number of wides he bowls. It turns out the equivalent of 120 days of cricket he says he plays a year doesn’t match up with the sparser 70 days the rest of his team mates play.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt;">Meanwhile, becalmed Australian spinner Nathan Hauritz had nothing but praise for Ricky Ponting, after last week hanging an effigy of the Tasmanian in his garage and spanking it with a cricket bat. “It is such a considerate gesture for Ricky to save me from the belting that our bowlers got in that second innings“.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hauritz appears to have made his way back into contention for <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Adelaide</place></city> without even playing after X-Man Xavier Doherty thought he was throwing darts at the World Darts Championship. Johnson passed on his unused copy of <i>The Bowlers Art </i>to Doherty after the game. Hauritz and Doug ‘the Rug’ Bollinger, along with Siddle, Hussey and Haddin did the most to enhance their reputation during this test, and only three of them actually played.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify;"><country-region w:st="on"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt;">England</span></country-region><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt;"> skipper Andrew Strauss is reportedly in the doldrums after being <country-region w:st="on"><place w:st="on">England</place></country-region>’s lowest scoring batsman in both innings of the Gabba Test. It was probably not what Mitchell Johnson meant when he said last week “Look, I think if we can go after their captain, Strauss, I think if you can get him early at the top order, hopefully (that will) put a lot of pressure on their lower-middle order.” The <country-region w:st="on"><place w:st="on">England</place></country-region> lower-middle order was indeed under pressure after Strauss was ousted yesterday for a paltry 110. “The boys ran out of sudoku puzzles with so many overs still to watch go by“ said a relaxed Monty Panesar, “Goochy was under real pressure to get to the shops and find them something to do before they got too agitated“.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt;">The series is level at 0-0 with four tests left to play.</span></div>Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11128312680438068343noreply@blogger.com0