First Ashes Test @ The Gabba, Brisbane. It's a better start for England than 2006!

England is in full party mode after guaranteeing itself a far better result on Australian shores compared to the ill-feted 2006 thrashing following today’s drawn first test at the Gabba.

Downing Street is about to announce a public holiday this Friday in England to celebrate the outstanding feat of not losing a test and the Queen is likely to knight Alistair Cook. “Up yours McGrath” said a rather bleary Andrew Flintoff as he bumbled around the Queensland Cricket association members bar at the Gabba, searching for new drinking buddies Andrew Symonds and Nathan Hauritz. McGrath always predicts a 5-0 Aussie whitewash in Ashes contests.

“It’s a victory for English sport” said British Prime Minister David Cameron in a country with a very low base of sporting expectation and past achievement. England’s cricketers were famously awarded OBE’s after the 2005 Ashes, its first success in 20 years. This included Paul Collingwood who contributed 17 runs in the whole series. The 1966 soccer world cup win against West Germany is still considered a recent event by the English public, while the 2003 rugby world cup win should sustain the deprived nation for another forty years yet.

The see-saw draw at the Gabba started promisingly but fizzled out into a bat dominated contest from the end of the second day onwards. The pitch for this highly anticipated contest has been kindly described as lifeless, whereas Australian seamer Ben Hilfenhaus was heard muttering under his breath that “that f-ing sponge had less frickin life in it than the prospect of a Michael Jackson comeback tour taking place at an all boys under eleven boarding school with no parental supervision”.

Reports are circulating that the Gabba’s curator, Kevin Mitchell, was last seen boarding a plane to Afghanistan on Sunday night. His sit-on-roller was found abandoned at Brisbane airport’s drop-off parking area with its engine still puttering away. His teary wife mumbled a few words to the press which included "witch hunt", “safer than here” and “the bastard took all the gardening tools with him“.

After the game, England coach Andy Flower confirmed that England captain Andrew Strauss had not intended to declare the second innings closed when he was seen down at the side of the England dressing room waving his hands furiously in the air. It transpires that he was instead trying to coax the Barmy Army into a final Mexican wave to entertain the England performance squad.

Bored England batsman Alistair Cook, 235 not out at the time, saw this as his opportunity to scarper from the field after trying with playful abandon to get out multiple times on the final day. Cook later said at the press conference "those stubborn Aussies just wanted me to bat all day. I kept offering a few half chances today as I didn’t want to obliterate Don Bradman’s record of the highest score on this ground. But the harder I tried, the less responsive the Aussies were. I think they wanted more bowling practice on top of the 150 or so overs that they had already served up on a platter”.  Cook continued “When I saw Straussy waving his arms about I was certain it was the declaration, but I turned up in the changing room and he looked at me strangely. It was then I knew I had stuffed up badly. I gave him a cheeky wave, put on my sombrero and shouted ’ole’ but he didn‘t seem best pleased”. Cook batted on all but one day of the test but was out doing naughty boy extra batting practice in the nets after the game as punishment by Strauss.

While England are cock-a-hoop to leave with a draw after a disastrous start to the test, Australia has a few concerns about its line up for the next test in Adelaide starting on Friday. Aussie fans are trying to work out which is uglier, Mitchell Johnson’s moustache or his bowling. Having issued Johnson with the book titled ‘The Bowler's Art: Understanding Spin, Swing and Swerve (Brian Wilkins, 1992) Cricket Australia is dismayed to discover Johnson can’t actually read. “It probably explains why he hasn’t adapted his military technique” said Australian coach Tim Nielsen as he described Johnson’s hand grenade throwing bowling style, which includes a weird grimace, now understood to be him pulling an imaginary pin with his teeth.  Former Australian skipper and nugget, Alan Border, added that “it explains why Mitch got maps of Perth tattooed all over his arm rather than his name and address, which we suggested, because clearly he wouldn’t have understood what they said”. Johnson has a habit of forgetting where he lives and is well known for a poor sense of direction.

Australian sponsors Gatorade could be dismayed if Johnson is axed from the team as it has used the haphazard bowler in its latest TV ad campaign. Strangely, Cricket Australia should have taken the glaring message from the commercial, which shows an umpire signalling six from a Johnson ball, Johnson getting South African captain Graeme Smith out but only when he was batting at number eleven with a broken hand and only after the ball deviated a foot off a massive crack in the pitch. In addition, Johnson discusses how he has to run in and bowl so many times a year, which is mainly attributed to the significant number of wides he bowls. It turns out the equivalent of 120 days of cricket he says he plays a year doesn’t match up with the sparser 70 days the rest of his team mates play.

Meanwhile, becalmed Australian spinner Nathan Hauritz had nothing but praise for Ricky Ponting, after last week hanging an effigy of the Tasmanian in his garage and spanking it with a cricket bat. “It is such a considerate gesture for Ricky to save me from the belting that our bowlers got in that second innings“.  Hauritz appears to have made his way back into contention for Adelaide without even playing after X-Man Xavier Doherty thought he was throwing darts at the World Darts Championship. Johnson passed on his unused copy of The Bowlers Art to Doherty after the game. Hauritz and Doug ‘the Rug’ Bollinger, along with Siddle, Hussey and Haddin did the most to enhance their reputation during this test, and only three of them actually played.

England skipper Andrew Strauss is reportedly in the doldrums after being England’s lowest scoring batsman in both innings of the Gabba Test. It was probably not what Mitchell Johnson meant when he said last week “Look, I think if we can go after their captain, Strauss, I think if you can get him early at the top order, hopefully (that will) put a lot of pressure on their lower-middle order.” The England lower-middle order was indeed under pressure after Strauss was ousted yesterday for a paltry 110. “The boys ran out of sudoku puzzles with so many overs still to watch go by“ said a relaxed Monty Panesar, “Goochy was under real pressure to get to the shops and find them something to do before they got too agitated“.

The series is level at 0-0 with four tests left to play.