If Australia was a racehorse, it would have a bullet through its brain by now after being declared lame. In a one sided race, it barely made it half way round the track before falling in a crumpled heap as a majestic England cantered over the finish line, winners in Australia for the first time in twenty-four years. If the media were to have anything to do with it, this Australian team would be stoned, machined gunned and fed to the sharks just to be sure the job was done properly.
Cricket Australia should consider replacing its national anthem with the Shaggy song 'It wasn't me', in response to the apparent lack of blame being accepted for the Ashes failure by those in charge. CA Chief Executive James Sutherland denied the blame lay with him. Strangely, so does chairman of selectors Andrew Hilditch, as does coach Tim Nielsen. "At least the Muppets had someones hand up their arse making them perform." said disgruntled former test wicket-keeper Ian Healey as he failed to hide his sentiments about the lack of leadership. "Who is in charge...the tea-lady?" he snapped. If she was, no doubt her selection policy would be more consistent based on the usually delightful sandwich range at CA events.
The monkey sits idle on the pavement next to a deathly silent organ that hasn't knocked out a tune in a while.
"They'll probably blame me again", tweeted Shane Warne, although this could also be a reference to the current divorce claim going through the Melbourne courts from another disgruntled husband. It might also refer to the reaction of parents of a future generation of fat kids encouraged to tuck into chicken products the former leg-spinner is currently spruiking ubiquitously. Perhaps Warne might adopt the new anthem for himself.
England has found itself in unfamiliar territory at the end of an Ashes series in the southern hemisphere. Normally, by this stage of a tour, a temporary stand-in to the stand-in skipper is running the side, the selectors have long been holidaying in the Caribbean (usually after the third Test), a fast bowler is only something it started a tour with before hospitalisation and an Australian second innings only occurred in first innings of the second test of a series. This time, the fabled manual 'How to fail graciously', started by Graham Gooch at the end of the 1991 tour and handed down to and appended by every England captain since, was put in the post by Andrew Strauss, second class of course, to one Mr. R. Ponting.
The tourist's schedule hadn't originally factored in celebration time, a point hastily remedied by the recently retired Andrew Flintoff. Late in the early hours of Saturday morning, larrikin Flintoff asked the England team's cruise boat skipper to quickly stop by the Prime Minister's Sydney residence at Kirribilli, not to attend a function but because he needed to relieve himself in her bushes. Flintoff infamously started the garden toilet tradition in 2005 at a reception at No. 10 Downing Street following the Ashes win on home soil. Flintoff appears to have more accuracy in the dark, even with severely blurred vision, than Mitchell Johnson has with a cricket ball in hand.
So, little old Betty will be sharpening her sword at Buckingham Palace, with a whole set of new gongs likely to be handed out to a number of cricketers, just for doing what they are paid to do. Poor old Paul Collingwood will get his second award just for turning up and taking the odd catch. "Good work if you can get it", grumped Geoff Boycott who had to make a hundred appearances and score 8,000 runs before he got his own souvenir from the Queen. "They'll probably start giving you one (an OBE) in your Cornflakes box soon", added Boycott in typically outspoken fashion.
England won the series 3-1, completing a previously unimaginable third innings-plus thrashing of a demoralised Australian side in the fifth and final Ashes Test at the Sydney Cricket Ground. Australia, devoid of its regular skipper, one fast bowler in hospital, selectors missing in action, five years worth of Baggy Greens handed out in one series and totally bereft of ideas, is looking every bit the new England. Enjoy the next twenty-four years.
A short twenty-twenty series is next on the schedule, followed by a seven game one-day series between the two sides. It provides a chance for Australia to gain a modicum of revenge. The first T20 kicks off in Adelaide, the City of Churches, on Wednesday. Ample opportunity for new skipper Cameron White to start preying.
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