The fat lady was singing and loudly, very loudly. "We are the army, the Barmy Army" roared the rather rotund example of British female beauty as she stood amongst the huge contingent of lobster coloured England supporters at the Melbourne Cricket Ground yesterday. The Ashes is over. History made.
The Barmies went wild in celebration, beer guts shook with pride and alcohol sales soared in Melbourne. Meanwhile, Ricky Ponting was ordered to undergo an urgent eyesight and hearing test by Cricket Australia. Not only has Ponting been unable to spot a cricket ball all summer, he couldn't see the two ginormous screens in the MCG replaying the Kevin Pietersen incident before his epic hissy fit during England's first innings.
Ponting continued a deranged on-field outburst for five minutes, indiscriminately abusing anyone close enough to listen to his ranting. At one point, even a startled Gatorade drinks boy copped a hammering as he drove the drinks cart off the field. "Did you see it? Did you?" demanded Ponting of the unfortunate boy. After a Ryan Harris ball passed Pietersen's bat, the wild-eyed Australian captain was adamant he had seen a hotspot that didn't exist and heard a noise that 'snicko' couldn't detect. He probably saw Elvis driving Santa's sleigh on Christmas Eve too. Pietersen is believed to have toyed further with Ponting suggesting he had "smashed the crap out of that one buddy". Ponting appears to be slowly losing the will to live in this calamitous Australian team. Rumours that he sits on his stripped bed at night, wearing nothing but his pads, gloves and helmet, rocking back and forth for hours in the dark have been denied by Cricket Australia.
The marketing division of Ponting's sponsor, vitamin company Swisse Ultivite, is believed to be worried by the Aussie skipper's comment to the umpires that "you shouldn't believe everything you see and hear on TV", after Pietersen was given not-out using the referral system. In his TV commercial promoting the vitamins, Ponting tells us that "You'll feel better on Swisse". One advertising expert said that "The sincerity of the commercial is undermined by fears that Ponting just makes stuff up, just like when he claims catches that bounce". It might not be all bad for Ponting, with rumours that laser eye surgery specialist Vision Laser is lining up a sponsorship for him. A part in Pinocchio might also be up for grabs.
Former Australian great Shane Warne yesterday Tweeted that "Punter shouldn't have played with a broken finger - couldn't bat to save himself". Ian Botham, England's own Ashes hero of the past, went one further when he said "Ricky must of thought his hand would heal quicker than Jesus that time they put him in a cave for a few days rest after that whole cross ordeal". Botham was perhaps suggesting that Cricket Australia's decision to play its most experienced player with a broken finger was a bit of a gamble gone badly wrong. "In fact, he probably thinks he is Jesus", Botham added dryly "although I reckon Jesus would have a better technique against the swinging ball...he could probably sense which way it would go".
The result of this Test appears to suggest that Perth was a bump in the road for England. It dominated this match from the moment Andrew Strauss won the toss and sent Australia in to bat, a generous term for the stick wafting ritual performed by the Australian team in its dismal first innings 98 all out. As for the bowling performance, Richie Benaud told viewers during a commentary stint that "In my day, if I couldn't bowl six deliveries an over exactly where my captain told me to, I would get the chop for the next game. Today, it appears that if you bowl six good deliveries a match, that will do". This was a clear criticism of the woeful Mitchell Johnson, the self proclaimed 'leader of the attack', who is fast becoming the Australian Steve Harmison. "He bowls to the left, he bowls to the right, but that Mitchell Johnson, his bowling's shite", sing the Barmies gleefully every time Johnson enters the fray.
English entrepreneur, billionaire and cricket fan, Richard Branson, joined the Aussie-bashing by saying "If I could only do my job once in a blue moon, I doubt I would be where I am today. I would probably be a dirty taxi driver doing the night-shift. Australian selectors seem to pick players like Johnson, Hughes or Smith and cross their fingers, shut their eyes and hope that they come good despite continually bad performances, which is actually an old English selection ritual. Thank God surgeons aren't employed on the same basis. If Johnson was a postie, all your mail would end up three streets away and all over your front lawn".
England, led by its clown-in-chief, Graeme Swann, turned the MCG into one large dance floor at the end of the game with a performance of the infamous 'sprinkler' dance to the delight of the adoring Barmy Army. "Brilliant. Definitely more coordinated than David Boon after a long haul flight to London", said a smug Michael Vaughan.
The margin of victory by England was an innings and 157 runs, its second innings defeat of the Australians in three games. The two teams now move on to the Fifth Test in Sydney with the scoreline 1-2 in favour of the English. Although the Ashes now remain firmly in England's grasp for the next couple of years, both sides will want to win the final game for differing reasons. It will be far from a dead rubber. England has already avoided a series defeat for the first time in twenty-four years, but will be hoping desperately for a series win. Australia will be hoping for another Perth miracle.
No comments:
Post a Comment