Wednesday, December 22, 2010

22 yards and a sledge for good measure

Conspiracy theories are raging around Melbourne about the questionable antics of a local gardener tending to a strip of mown grass. 

Those of the 'Lee Harvey-Oswald didn't act alone persuasion' would have you believe that dark forces within Cricket Australia are surreptitiously doctoring pitch preparation at the Melbourne Cricket Ground to offer its bowlers any advantage it can get in the crucial Boxing Day Test against England. 

In the last 24 hours, there have been numerous reported sightings at salubrious road-houses along the Nullabor that a strip of grass, measuring approximately 22 yards and strapped to the back of a flat bed truck, is on the move east from Perth to Melbourne.  One 'eye witness', Shane 'the sheep shagger' Wilson, 49 and father of fifteen, told journalists that "I seen a bloke watering and rolling the back of his bloody truck the other noyt out back o' the pub come post office/ diy store/ chemist/ school/ doctors", a building in the small settlement of Mundrabilla.  In Madura, further west, other so-called witnesses of varying character have described the strip of grass as having all the hallmarks of a wicket.  It apparently has a green tinge, white painted tram lines at either end and was in almost pristine condition except for a few 'bowlers footmarks' according to the sightings.  "Looks like it was used just for bowling practice" said one unconcerned local, Bill O'Keefe.  When pressed further, O'Keefe said "Look 'ere mate, I can tell yous all it was grass 'cos we haven't seen any round 'ere since 1972 so it's bleedin obvious".  He wryly added " I tried to even get a bit for me back yard cricket this Chrissy but the driver, Tim, nicked orf too quick for me".

Ebay also reports that one of the big ticket items it has just auctioned this week was a piece of turf.  The listing read "Wanted - home for a much loved and tendered piece of turf approximately 22 yards long, 10 feet wide.  Comes with all accessories, including white lines, wiring holes, six wooden pegs and four bails.  Suit pace quartet.  Warning - does not come with unique Freemantle Doctor to aid bizarre swing bowling.  Successful bidder to collect".  The winning bid was by English-born Mr Nielsen of South Australia.  His previous history indicates he has purchased items such as a whiteboard, clipboard and John Buchanan's cricket coaching manual. His buyer rating though is one star (five being the highest).  The whereabouts of Mr Nielsen and the Ebay item are currently unknown.

As the Australian team congregated at its Melbourne hotel last night vice-captain Michael Clarke, speaking in the unexplained absence of the Australian coach, said that "the bowlers were feeling good and just wish they could have rolled up the Perth wicket and brought it with them".  Clarke was later seen cuddled up close to Peter Siddle as the pair whispered and cackled with laughter.

Cameron Hodgkins, the MCG curator, denied that there was anything suspicious about the rectangular shaped hole at the centre of the MCG.  "It is normal practice to hide the wicket for safe keeping", Hodgkins fired off at a press conference from a grassy knoll outside the ground.

Despite the media fuelled conspiracy theory, a press release overnight from Lords, London, by the guardians of cricket, the MCC, confirms that the rules of the game will not be changed, despite a request by Cricket Australia.  It states that both sides are still required to bat and the traditional protocol for them to do so on the same pitch is unaltered.  This will be disconcerting news to Australia's batting that will now be expected to reprise its one-man batting show on the same questionable pitch as England.  This would appear to be a major flaw in any ill-considered CA conspiracy.  A wicket that further appeals to both sets of bowlers would not be the stocking filler Australian captain Ricky Ponting was hoping for to lift him out of his batting slump, given England's strong showing with the ball so far in Australian conditions.  A coin toss may decide the outcome of the Test.

Another aspect occupying plenty of column inches over the last few days is the Australian art of 'sledging', the tactic of asking obscene questions of the batsmen about the well being of his wife or kids or the marital status of his parents at the time of his birth.  England batsman Kevin Pietersen yesterday misunderstood the question and deemed sledging to be fine.   "There is nothing wrong with it at all", he said "it is probably the easiest way to get around the UK at the moment judging by the weather reports we have been getting".

Boxing Day is looming with 90,000 expected to pack out the MCG for the Fourth Vodafone Test.

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