Quite frankly, England handed out a good old boarding school, pants down, thrashing to the old enemy Australia in the Second Vodafone Test at the Adelaide Oval last Tuesday.
England steamrolled its way to victory by a margin of an innings and 71 runs, its first win over Australia by an innings since the Boxing Day test of 1986. Shane Warne described it on air as similar to the pounding he received from his (then) wife, Simone, every time his errant texting fingers used to get him into trouble with English nurses. After thinking about it further, Warne changed his mind and compared it to the hiding Tiger Woods received at the fearsome hands of his former wife when he confessed to her about the occasional extra-marital affair.
Australia's batting collapse on the final morning was nothing short of dramatic, losing its last six wickets for 66 runs in twenty overs in something of a hurry. Graeme Swann was the chief destroyer bagging five wickets. Sullen captain Ricky Ponting denied a lack of confidence in his batters to survive despite only putting an hours worth of change in the parking meter when he parked up the team bus outside the ground on the last morning. Ponting didn't even get out of the bus, keeping the engine running as, one by one, his batsmen returned to the bus after a brief stroll out to the wicket and back to say hello to the England bowlers.
Entering the fifth and final day with the predicted rain and storms its only possible saviour, all hope was lost, mentally, for the Australian team the moment the remaining batsmen peeled back the hotel room curtains to the sorry sight of sunshine and blue skies bathing the City of Churches. Chief Sitting Bull Dakota , Australia's most recent addition to its backroom staff, expressed dismay at his costly failure to conjure up a storm of biblical proportions that could have dashed England's bid to take a deserved lead in the series. Simon Katich is outraged at the Chief's rain dance routine because it caused him a serious tear of his Achilles tendon that will now keep him out of the remainder of the series. The bizarre rain dance ritual, involving all of the players, was performed before and after play each day in the changing rooms and saw captain Ricky Ponting riding a naked Shane Watson on all fours as he (Watson) pretended to be a bear (seen as sacred to native North Americans) while slapping him with some limp celery and all as the other players danced in a circle around the uncomfortable duo. Katich is believed to have slipped on a huge blob of Watson's hair wax and torn the affected tendon as he barrelled backwards down a set of stairs into the buffet cart.
Ponting admitted to the hungry media pack outside the mini-bus that 'England out-bowled, out-batted and out-fielded us' as he insightfully described the defeat "No shit" said a jubilant Ian Botham as he waited over the road for a taxi, all while holding long-time adversary Ian Chappell in a headlock.
So what now for Australia? It appears to many that the Australian team has chosen to go retro and impersonate the wretched England cricket teams of the 1990s, believing that one batter, a wicket keeper and a tattered copy of the local Lonely Planet guide is sufficient for an Ashes tour. England used to also believe that spin was something politicians did, not their bowlers and a coach was for getting to the ground in. There are now more jobs going in the Australian team than there are at the start of the holiday season at Disney Land, albeit the role of Mickey Mouse was eagerly snaffled by Mitchell Johnson some time ago. Doug Bollinger appears to have put his hand up for Goofy. Swann cheekily tweeted yesterday that "In case Australia is interested, South Africa usually has a supply of handy cricketers going spare".
Cricket Australia selectors may be careering from one absurd decision to another, but at least its wizard marketing gurus appear to have got something right. Randomly, it has unwittingly predicted the feats achieved in this test series with unerring accuracy so far with its unfortunate slogan 'History will be made' on promotional material. In the Adelaide test alone, history making involved the first 'Diamond Duck' for Ryan Harris, Australia making the worst batting start to a test since the late 1930's, England batsman Alistair Cook scoring the most runs for the most minutes occupying the crease without being dismissed. England also achieved the feat of passing 500 in successive Ashes innings in Australia for the first time, while it was the first time England has defeated Australia by an innings in 24 years. This all came on top of the run scoring records achieved by Andrew Strauss, Jonathan Trott and Cook up at the Gabba.
England head to Perth looking for a win that would retain the Ashes. If they do, Swann has suggested England will pick a team from the Barmy Army to play the final two tests.
England steamrolled its way to victory by a margin of an innings and 71 runs, its first win over Australia by an innings since the Boxing Day test of 1986. Shane Warne described it on air as similar to the pounding he received from his (then) wife, Simone, every time his errant texting fingers used to get him into trouble with English nurses. After thinking about it further, Warne changed his mind and compared it to the hiding Tiger Woods received at the fearsome hands of his former wife when he confessed to her about the occasional extra-marital affair.
Australia's batting collapse on the final morning was nothing short of dramatic, losing its last six wickets for 66 runs in twenty overs in something of a hurry. Graeme Swann was the chief destroyer bagging five wickets. Sullen captain Ricky Ponting denied a lack of confidence in his batters to survive despite only putting an hours worth of change in the parking meter when he parked up the team bus outside the ground on the last morning. Ponting didn't even get out of the bus, keeping the engine running as, one by one, his batsmen returned to the bus after a brief stroll out to the wicket and back to say hello to the England bowlers.
Entering the fifth and final day with the predicted rain and storms its only possible saviour, all hope was lost, mentally, for the Australian team the moment the remaining batsmen peeled back the hotel room curtains to the sorry sight of sunshine and blue skies bathing the City of Churches. Chief Sitting Bull Dakota , Australia's most recent addition to its backroom staff, expressed dismay at his costly failure to conjure up a storm of biblical proportions that could have dashed England's bid to take a deserved lead in the series. Simon Katich is outraged at the Chief's rain dance routine because it caused him a serious tear of his Achilles tendon that will now keep him out of the remainder of the series. The bizarre rain dance ritual, involving all of the players, was performed before and after play each day in the changing rooms and saw captain Ricky Ponting riding a naked Shane Watson on all fours as he (Watson) pretended to be a bear (seen as sacred to native North Americans) while slapping him with some limp celery and all as the other players danced in a circle around the uncomfortable duo. Katich is believed to have slipped on a huge blob of Watson's hair wax and torn the affected tendon as he barrelled backwards down a set of stairs into the buffet cart.
Ponting admitted to the hungry media pack outside the mini-bus that 'England out-bowled, out-batted and out-fielded us' as he insightfully described the defeat "No shit" said a jubilant Ian Botham as he waited over the road for a taxi, all while holding long-time adversary Ian Chappell in a headlock.
So what now for Australia? It appears to many that the Australian team has chosen to go retro and impersonate the wretched England cricket teams of the 1990s, believing that one batter, a wicket keeper and a tattered copy of the local Lonely Planet guide is sufficient for an Ashes tour. England used to also believe that spin was something politicians did, not their bowlers and a coach was for getting to the ground in. There are now more jobs going in the Australian team than there are at the start of the holiday season at Disney Land, albeit the role of Mickey Mouse was eagerly snaffled by Mitchell Johnson some time ago. Doug Bollinger appears to have put his hand up for Goofy. Swann cheekily tweeted yesterday that "In case Australia is interested, South Africa usually has a supply of handy cricketers going spare".
Cricket Australia selectors may be careering from one absurd decision to another, but at least its wizard marketing gurus appear to have got something right. Randomly, it has unwittingly predicted the feats achieved in this test series with unerring accuracy so far with its unfortunate slogan 'History will be made' on promotional material. In the Adelaide test alone, history making involved the first 'Diamond Duck' for Ryan Harris, Australia making the worst batting start to a test since the late 1930's, England batsman Alistair Cook scoring the most runs for the most minutes occupying the crease without being dismissed. England also achieved the feat of passing 500 in successive Ashes innings in Australia for the first time, while it was the first time England has defeated Australia by an innings in 24 years. This all came on top of the run scoring records achieved by Andrew Strauss, Jonathan Trott and Cook up at the Gabba.
England head to Perth looking for a win that would retain the Ashes. If they do, Swann has suggested England will pick a team from the Barmy Army to play the final two tests.
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