The commonly held perception that life in Perth, the wild west outpost, meanders along fifteen years behind the eastern states was true in more ways than one for a disjointed England side savaged by Australia today. England gave up the Third Ashes Test at the WACA by the handsome margin of 267 runs.
When England stepped onto its time machine at Melbourne airport for the four hour flight back in time to the most remote city on the planet, it will feel tonight as though the pilot entered 1991 in the 'flux capacitor' of the DeLorean. The only thing missing was Marty McFly and the hairbrained Doc Brown.
Just as Australia's bowling collectively came good for the first time in this series, England's batting drew comparison with the woeful days of the 1990's when it traditionally treated a tour Downunder as one big barbecue spread over five states. In those days, a game of cricket was always seen to be an unwelcome distraction that dragged the tourists kicking and screaming off the beach or from a tawdry backpacker bar. The thought of three hundred runs in a game for the English was normally an aggregate of the runs conceded off Phil Tufnell's ganja fuelled bowling. Equally, rain was never a saviour and only came in the form of Merv Hughes spitting all over meek English batsmen with his obscure brand of incomprehensible sledging (the words were too muffled through his over-sized moustache).
Such was England's disorientation during the Fourth Test that its batting coach, former opening batsman Graham Gooch, probably thought he was due to open the innings for his country with Wayne Larkins rather than remind his lacklustre charges how to bat for more than three minutes apiece. At one point this morning, Ian Bell and Matt Prior appeared to be in a contest to see who could get off the field and showered the quickest. Bell, with his pretty boy preening and pampering routine, was always onto a loser there. Kevin Pietersen, meanwhile, didn't appear to be out in the middle long enough to warrant a shower during the entire match.
Both batting line-ups proved to be more adept at sinking without trace than a ship in the Bermuda triangle, but it was the 'distracted' English team that had the biggest hole in its batting to worry about. Twice it capitulated faster than it takes Shane Warne to hand out his phone number at a nursing college party. Warne himself seemed unaffected by his dash to London last week to attend to his primitive man urges and was full of energy in the commentary box as he fended off jibes from his chuckling co-commentators. "Dunno what excuse they have got" Warne chirped when talking about the leaden footed English side, "I love it when the English women come". Warne then had to hastily qualify his statement "To town I meant. To town".
Despite the size of the win, it was not all was rosy for Australia in this Test. Two further below par batting performances were rescued on each occasion by Mike Hussey as he continues to paper over the massive cracks that have surfaced top to bottom in its order. Phil Hughes is nothing but a gift wrapped wicket, Ricky Ponting and Michael Clarke are doing their best to imitate village green cricketers, Steve Smith is uncertain as to why he is even in the side other than to crack the funnies and the lower order rolls over easier than a politician in a brothel.
It is far too early and difficult to judge Mitchell Johnson's performance at the WACA. Every woeful Vegas blackjack roller, after all, gets lucky every now and again, something Warne himself has recently found out on the dating front. It is probably inconceivable that Johnson's spiral down the world rankings for two years was part of a cunning plan of Cricket Australia to lull England into a false sense of comfort by the middle of an important test series. That would be a plan of the craziest Baldrick-esque genius and would suggest too much credit to the Australian selectors where it isn't due.
And so what impact the English WAGs who arrived with their expensive handbags, over sized goggle sunglasses and vacuous comments this week? The WAG only appears to have one purpose on any cricket tour and that is to holiday, socialise and get their latest skinny body into the pages of a low-brow gossip magazine that celebrates their inane life with who-cares discussion about their diet regime. They then also demand their highly paid cricket playing partner to devote time to non-cricket activities. It would be unimaginable to believe that a commander in chief of the armed forces in Iraq, trigger finger poised over the nuke button, would have his wife asking over his shoulder if a camel ride in the desert was a good idea or what local restaurant they should indulge at next. Now, if these brave people seem capable of managing more than two months apart from their families in life threatening circumstances, it shouldn't be beyond the realms of possibility that a cricketer could do likewise to focus on what he is paid to be doing.
Both sides now bumble on to the fourth test at the Melbourne Cricket Ground with no real idea if the old adage of form is temporary and class is permanent applies to either of them. Momentum is a word often used in cricket and while Australia may claim it is with them, it need only look at the quality of England's ABS as it arrived at the WACA to know that it is another broken finger away from disaster. Wrap that Hussey up in cotton wool.
The series is now level at 1-1, with two tests left to play.
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